This blog has been moved to Wordpress :)

Growing, stretching and changing :)  This blog has been moved and exported to my new one on Wordpress.  Please wander over there and follow along with me, I love having the company.  The new Address is http://mladyhawkvt.wordpress.com/

My new blog name is called WhisperoftheSoul

I look forward to meeting up again, make sure to leave me a comment and let me know what you think.

Blessings and Light
Kim

When it rains, it pours

There are times when not only does the sun hide from view, it rains.  Sometimes it doesn't just rain, it pours.

I am a currently within a monsoon season in my daily life that is leaving me not only soaking wet but shivering from the downpour.  We are looking for a new rental home so that my son can go back into public school not oly so he can be back with his friends he misses so terribly but also so I can work again.  The need for work at this point is the driving force since the Universe is shaking and quaking around my home.  Now down to one car to share I am left without wheels during the day so that my children can get to and from school.  We are in NO way in the position to purchase another car, I cannot get to work without mine and cannot make money if I do not get to work.  Round and round and round we go.

My oldest visited Thailand on a grand journey to embrace his dream of becoming a MMA fighter, where on the third day of training he was kicked and unable to train further.  His trip was amazing and he loved all but that part, wishing he could stay there because he felt like he fit in there.  Fast forward a week or so since he returned to an ER visit and xrays and a broken leg that he continued to walk around on and train with.  Life sure is interesting in this house and it is never dull!

This morning finds us without heating oil and also hot water, $1.50 to my name, rent that is due in 2 weeks scarily missing and a child still home with a fever and possibly strep.  I have said it a million times:  My life isn't for sissies.  I fortunately have come to the understanding that those of us who continually face adversity were very brave souls coming into this lifetime.  We took on huge life lessons and circumstances willingly for grand leaps in soul growth opportunities.  At this rate I guess I must be really learning! 

When I was younger like many others, I wished to be grown up.  What was I thinking?  Luckily The Creator blessed me with a crazy warped sense of humor and it has saved me a thousand times or more so far.  It helps to be crazy and able to laugh in the face of disaster, it really does.  It sure doesn't solve the problems but it sure does bring lightness to the unrelenting chaos that seems to be my life.  Straight out of the movie the Money Pit with Tom Hanks, I resembled the scene where the tub falls through the floor and he stands there laughing until he cannot breathe.  What else can you do right?  I can honestly say if this life of mine was a movie, there would be some serious laughter to be had watching it in the ridiculousness of the barrage of disaster.  If I were sitting with my popcorn watching, I would surely be in tears from laughter at the insanity of how many things can blow up in one person's life in rapid succession.  SO why wait for the movie?  I may as well laugh at the chaotic times I am finding myself in, pull up the big girl panties and hitch them to my ears as I keep going. 

Laugh my friends.  Laugh often and laugh hard.  Find the hilarity that hides within the chaos.  It really does help you to stay standing!

Lean on Me

With so many going through some really rough times and shifts right now,my thoughts today are for all who feel alone or left without someone to lean on.

The current shifts are hitting so many like a run away freight train, leaving us shaking and staggering under the weight of all that we are crawling out from under.  Heavy is the spirit of those who endure one situation after another and yet their strength is profound.  Some came in with what appears to be a golden umbrella and yet we all have our particular lessons we must traverse.  Others seem to be ridden with catastrophe, one piling on top of the other and we are left stumbling and falling, or clawing at the wall to climb back up and keep walking.  No matter where you stand on the wall of life, whether it be soaring high or crawling out of the mud there are some things I want you to know.  They aren't magic words that can make everything better, they are just things that just maybe, will breathe a little light and encouragement into the darkened corners of your soul. 

There are times when even in our strength, that we feel anything but strong.  It is when we judge those feelings that added weight pulls us down into the heavy cloak of life's journey.  There are GOING to be times when we feel our light is nearly out and when we are certain that just one more thing....one more situation will surely topple us from the mountain plunging us into the abyss without a safety rope to pull us out.  Don't you see?  THOSE are the times when your strength is at it's highest.  IT is exactly the opposite of how we feel, but it is the truth!

I want you to know.......

That you are not alone
That someone really, truly cares
That you matter
That as heavy as it is, someone is standing there holding out their hand for you to grab onto
That strength is evident in the one who cries when no one is listening
That NOTHING lasts forever, even the darkness, for the sun eventually peeks over the horizon
That even the ones who smile and hide their pain, need to hear someone is there for them too
The sunshine ALWAYS follows the rain, the rain does not follow the sunshine
You CAN do this
It is ok to say I am not ok today.  We shouldn't need to clarify that statement.  It is ok to be "not ok"
Spirit rushes Nothing.  We are the impatient ones. 
Just breathing is all we can do sometimes.  And it is enough
YOU are enough, and when you feel you aren't, I am here to tell you that you are
Life doesn't suck.  Situations do.  Life is a beautiful gift. 
Sunshine, movement and fresh air can do wonders for a weary soul
You can lean on me. 
There will be times I will need someone to lean on too.
Every one needs to hear It will be ok, Lean on me.

Today let that be your life raft.  Climb on up and catch your breath. 
My life raft is battered and torn right now, but it is still floating and there is room for those who need a rest.
You are welcome to join me.  Hang on tight, we will catch our breath together.

Here's to the challenges that change you.....at your core. Where is your resistance?

Some days are easier than others.  Plain and simple.  And this is one of them for me.  But the pulse underneath the surface of that "easier" is more awareness.  Ahh Perspective.  After my impending full moon slumber last night where my legs were literally running races in my sleep, this morning left me tired but with so much energy I thought I was going to self destruct.  Now I don't run mind you.....ever, I could have run a marathon.  Now when I say I don't run I mean that if I was in need of running for my life, I would make it 20 feet and turn around fiercely and say come and get me (kidding of course....sort of).  The coming full moon and Lunar eclipse was like plugging myself into the high power lines by this morning and once I settled my wiggly, restless self down, some really incredible epiphanies started to roll in.  Now bare with me because we are going to be digging into the resistance garden we cultivate for a while here, oh heck who am I kidding, I am largely talking to myself here but that's ok.  I need the pep talk.  What hit me in thinking release....resistance (yes I can even resist releasing), is that 2 other words which relate directly to resistance for me are control, and manipulation.  Not of people, of situations.  Hey I know what I need and what it should look like!  RIGHT!  I teach this stuff all the time, I sing it to the choir but (whine) it is so much harder to take the advice yourself :)  You all think I have it all figured out?  sometimes yes, sometimes no. 

Here are my google labels, or they should be if you search Kim's closet of blech:  Resistance, control, manipulation (of events to my liking) and procrastination.  RCMP and it doesn't mean Royal Canadian Mounted Police!  What's the point you are trying to make Kim?  Well, for me when I resist, what I battle is controlling situations that NEED to happen in order to propel me forward, manipulating at times HOW they happen then procrastinating on the action steps.  You know that implication that if I ignore it then it isn't happening, isn't real, will go away, (insert saying here)?  Bingo. 

So today with all this energy the moon is pelting me with I decided I need movement.  Symbolic really for me.  I never sit so moving is hardly my issue, but movement in my inner sanctuary.  The issues that scream at ear breaking decibels NO and grab the door frame in order not to go through it.  Hey, I can top any preschooler when it comes to fighting being shoved through a doorway!  I had to reach a place this morning where I could say I am willing to stop fighting and directing things so that the natural order of the Universe can work it's magic.  I obviously need to experience the things I am in order to release them, heal them and move out of their town.  Change is good, (however hard my head tries to refute that belief), but growth is better.  Forgive my rambling thoughts, erratic as they may be.  For me it is the thought process that is bringing it all to light.  Who knows, maybe for my 5 fans/followers, it will bring an aha moment for you too. 

Here it is my friends, when we brace our feet refusing to budge on anything is usually when we get yanked by the Universal Tug-o-war rope landing with our faces firmly planted int he mud pit.  Sometimes you have to loosen your stance, allow yourself to be pulled along by the force that you are opposing so strongly and see if the other side of the mud bath is a warmer freedom.  We never know really, if there has been more fertilizer spread over there and the grass is lush and green and soft to our feet.  Just something to think about.  For me I know that on the other side of the LINE I was fighting not to cross, is empowering and beautiful and finally I think, I am really excited to check it out. 

Letting go of Resistance

Lazy Sunday finds me here with my thoughts, wandering through the back roads of my mind and awareness without a tangible road map.  These are the times when we can let ourselves just explore and wander; taking in all the sights and the pathways that we are drawn to following.  There is the saying, All who wander are not lost.  In this case I know this landscape well.  Perhaps a little TOO well.  It is time to get intimate with it and let myself be aware of all the subtle twists and turns that I pass on a daily basis without a second glance, you know, because I know it so well.  ;)

The street I find myself on is called Resistance.  It runs parallel to Acceptance St. and in between a small side street called transition way.  I can see where I go back and forth down transition way and I recognize that I spend alot of time on Acceptance St.  What is coming to my awareness as I look around, is that I still own some property on Resistance St.  Sure, it is up for sale, ready to be redeveloped into a new bigger and better place but I know that I have some attachments to it to shed before the transfer happens. 

To me this is a great visual as I embark on a new journey to freedom and peace.  I have recently become aware of where I apply resistance liberally in my life.  I am a person of extremes.  There is little middle of the road for me.  I am either way over here, or wayyyyyyyyyyy over there, just s speck on the map from where I just was.  Emotionally, mentally, physically extreme.  Yup that's me!  My life is never ever dull or boring for certain!  However, with age comes wisdom, and the extremes are getting tiring, so I am beginning a new phase of cleaning house.

What we resist persists.  Boy has that become a strong pitcher to the head recently.  I can now see when I am in resistance clearly and recognize it.  When my thinking brain decides that which is occurring (or not occurring!) is not to my liking, and the trees and boulders plop into my path, my nature is to blast them, cling them and attempt to shove them out of my way.  But Kim!  Maybe they are there for a reason!  Yea yea, I know that one and I give that advice on a daily basis.  HERE is part of the work I came to do in this lifetime.  HERE is the growth I planned before I got here.  HERE is where it scares the crap out of me!  I can admit that now.  Having the tendency to not budge from my goals and the picture of how I think the outcome should look I have limited myself to the point of being stagnant in some areas of my life.  Well if something doesn't work for you, try something new right?  This is the X on the map I am standing on right now. 

I fully plan on taking out my little GPS and setting a new course.  It is high time, to release resistance in all forms, trusting that the only way out is through. 

For today though, my only goal is to observe where I resist the flow of life, to get out my GPS, dust it off, charge it up and turn it on.  Dialing in my new address:  Acceptance St. and I have chosen which route I will take.....and it is called The Path of Least Resistance.

Maybe this will help someone else discover where resisting has become an adversary instead of a traveling friend.  You are welcome to hop in the passenger seat, buckle up and come along for the ride.  There is adventure and exploration on the horizon.  I welcome the company, and someone to help read the map.

Sometimes we just have to RE-Learn how to Breathe

There will be times when storms rage around us, blowing like a Gale wind and washing rogue waves across the bows of our serenity.  When the winds burst forth it is natural to hold our breath, waiting until things calm in order to draw that breath again and receive life giving oxygen.  It is natural to brace ourselves against the coming storm as it attempts to sweep us from the safe decking of our living ship.  But it is not natural to stop breathing.  There will be times when we have to remind ourselves to breathe.  In the chaotic times, it is paramount to re-learn to breathe, possibly in a whole new way than we learned from birth.

What gives us breath?  Well, life and creation begins with the breath.  But look deeper than the obvious.  Under that which hides from our awareness and happens without conscious thought MOST of the time, we must find our own wind and what breathes into our lungs the sustaining winds of our motivation.  For me my breath comes in peaceful moments, inspiration and complete unconditional love.  My breathing is effortless and flawless in giving kindness, love and compassion.  Chaos is not my inherent gift, nor do I think it is for anyone.  But breathing.....is.  It is our gift of creation and life, and yet, we choose to hold it and deny it without giving it any thought.  No one does it to us, we deny ourselves.  Yes other can impress chaos into our awareness, but they cannot take our breath and peace unless we give them permission.

Things to ponder can be "what takes my breath away?"  I don't mean a strong wind, or having the physical wind knocked out of us, what I mean is what situations and circumstances take our breath away?  Is it the loss of a loved one?  Losing our security and safety?  A job?  A sudden shocking situation?  It will be different for everyone and it is personal.  In allowing those things to steal our breath, we give power away to people and situations who have no right to own it and control it for us.  At some point without thinking about it, we give ourselves permission to hold back the pure freedom of breathing.  Sometimes we just need to Re-learn how to breathe with purpose.

To do that we can think about what gives us life, inspiration and joy and then lovingly give ourselves those ultimate gifts.  No one can do it for us.  We have to take responsibility for self sustaining our own life breath.  It is symbolic Dear friends, and yet it is very physically real at the same time.  It is food for thought and something to ponder when life gets difficult and we hold our breath.  Take a deep breath and let your body express just how amazing that feels.  take time to give it time to thank you for that beautiful treasure.   Allow yourself the blessing to breathe in deeply then blow it out.  Sometimes, with the bursting forth of that which we have held for so long, it releases and bursts forth from us with scream...of joy, anguish, relief, sadness or anger.  But after the lungs and soul are emptied completely, the in breath is magical and uplifting. 

Find your breath and treasure it, whatever that means for you.  Give yourself the gift. You matter, you are enough and you are worth it.

A Little Wisdom from the Trees

As I sat outside with the gentle spring wind blowing, my attention gradually drifted to the trees.  Mesmerized, I watched them sway gently, arms dancing to the breath of Mother Nature.  Wind gusts blew harder here and there, causing the trees to readjust their sails and sway in response to the wind.  Nature is truly majestic,  Breath-taking and life giving.  And the trees, oh those beautiful trees speak to my soul of ancient wisdom stored through the ages for any who will watch and listen.

Dear Child, listen closely to the secrets that we share.  We offer them freely and lovingly to all who may search.  We are strong and yet we must remain flexible.  There are times that we dance in the sunlight, rain and the wind.  Never missing a beat of Mother Earth's pulse.  At times we stand tall and unmoving.  Other times we gently bend and sway as the winds of change begin to blow.  Then there are times, when the winds howl and the storm rages pummeling us and causing great waves of tension within us.  These My dear, are the times when we must rely on our roots for strength and support.  Our brethren are helpless to reach out and support us when windmaker pushes us to our limits.  We must believe in what we know and that all is as it should be and will support us.  We may bow down for a time, only to bounce back to our stately height.  We are able to do this because we are supported and we know of our gentle strength and believe in it. WE know no other way.  Ahhh yes dear One, we hear your thoughts.  Yes there are times when we are subjected to a force so strong, that we snap and fall with a mighty crash to the ground that awaits below.  Even then in snapping and breaking, when we have fallen and sighed our seemingly last breath, after a time, we send forth new seeds of growth, only to return again renewed.  This you are also capable of.  Yes little seedling, you can send forth the seeds of growth no matter your position on the ground that holds you or quakes under you.  Remember, that the pine cone gives thanks to the forest fire as it bursts open and reseeds itself.

So too can we bend and sway, renew and send forth seeds after the ravaging storm.  So too can we sprout and grow into a beautiful new tree, to dance in the breeze again.

My thoughts as my son prepares to travel across the world

March 25, 2014

David  my amazing son,

Tomorrow you take your first huge trip half way across our world and I want you to know I am so very excited for you.  This is going to be an experience like no other for you and I really just want to tell you how very happy and excited I am for you, and also thoughts that have been rolling through my mind today.  Things I just want you to know and carry with you.

I want you to know just how deeply I support you and your dreams.  How incredibly amazing you are.  You are so very responsible for young man your age, more responsible than most adults I know.  You are insanely funny, so very bright and intelligent, (even though you question that you are), caring, giving and a ridiculously hard worker.  Your dedication to your responsibilities and to your dreams (not to mention your family) is inspiring and beautiful.

 

I want you to know that even though this particular dream does scare me a little as your Mom, and even though it is a difficult experience watching my son face opponents that could, let’s be honest; beat you pretty intensely, there Is no way in hell I will not be there for all I can… cheering you on, supporting you and witnessing your climb with pride and love.  I could no more stay home and not be there than stop my own breathing.  

Today so many things flashed through my mind, nearly 20 years of memories as I just sat and watched you asleep on the couch.  Here is the mushy, maybe embarrassing Mom part but I will share it with you anyway, not because you need or want to hear it but because I need to say it.  When you lay sleeping on the couch, curled up peacefully, Instead of seeing the 6’ grown man who graduated high school, works and is about to venture off into the world.  What I saw instead, is the 6lb13 oz little miracle that danced into my life and changed my whole world with your first breath.  I saw the 3 year old huge blue eyes boy curled up next to me on the couch cuddling with me, “snuggling” my hair.  I remembered your innocent smile and laughter, filling our home and my heart so full that I thought it would explode.  I remember the little man who welcomed his sister and brothers with open arms, never once asking me to give them back, and instead loved them and helped take care of them.  I saw the young boy, tormented for years by bullies who not only hurt you but your heart and soul.  Wrapped up in the man before me I saw your strength and determination to not only not hurt anyone, but also stand strong and defend yourself and your siblings with fire and pride beyond your years.  I Heard all the times you said I love you Mommie, the times you got angry with me and life in general.  I saw the young man that proudly fought for his original dream to play lacrosse and had that dream dashed to pieces with a broken heart, only to take a deep breath and dream again. 

I want you to know, now and for the rest of your life that you are perfect the way you are.  That you are ENOUGH.  Whatever enough can mean.  That I am not in any way trying to or have ever tried to hold you back or be over protective….just that I love you so deeply that I have done my best to guide you and protect you in the ways that I CAN.  Sadly I haven’t always done the best at it my son but I have tried my hardest with the very best that I knew at the time.  No matter how old you get, moms will forever worry about their kids.  That is just the way of it and even when it gets frustrating and you think I am being too cautious, I hope you can understand that I was gifted with the blessing of being your mom and that will never change no matter how old and independent you get.

Others will not get it or understand your choices.  Too bad for them, they don’t have to.  Your self worth is not tied to anything anyone will ever think of you and it never was.  Don’t ever seek to prove anything to anyone but yourself.  Let that be enough. 

When you come back from this wonderful journey you will be changed in a beautiful way.  I have no doubt that the man I see walk off the airplane will somehow look years older to me, stronger, wiser and more beautiful.  You will come back with life experience, strength, determination and fire, and ready to take on the world.  And when you do take on the world?  I will remain your biggest fan and supporter.  It does not matter to me whether you win or lose your fights.  To me you have already won them all.  

I want you to know, that I could not be more proud of you than I am and that I will miss you so deeply, even as excited as I am for you.  I will miss your laughter and whacky sense of humor while you are gone.  I will miss everything about you.  And I hope you will be patient with me when you walk off the plane that brings you back home and all I want to do is hug you and welcome you back home.  I know it sounds silly, but yup I am going to cry when you leave.  But it isn’t because I don’t want you to go, it is only that my heart is so full of love and pride that it needs to spill out of me somehow so it doesn’t explode. 

Most of all I want you to have fun, enjoy this because you have worked so hard to make it happen and because you deserve your dream, as much if not more than anyone I know.  And the biggest thing I want you to know and carry with you, is how very much I love you.  Every second of every day.  I cannot wait to see how brightly you shine.  Take the world by storm my son.  We are all better people because of the light you shine into our lives.

PS.  Call your mother and let her know you get their safely!   :D

Gratitude and Appreciation

Winter's icy fingers are once again tightening their grip on my little wooded home.  Standing outside while Charlotte burrowed in the snow, I could hear the trees cracking and groaning, trying to be flexible through the chill of Windmaker's icy breath.  I swear I could hear nature shiver and moan.  The cold and weather has been relentless.  Not so much the several feet of snow that was customary through many years of living here in Northern Vermont, but frigid and icy in the swath of winter it has brought us this year.  Driving snow storms sending their white flakes no longer the norm, ice, below normal temperatures and high wind gusts are becoming more common. 

Still, back in the warmth of my little country home, I find I am feeling a considerable amount of gratitude for so many things.  Things that often get taken for granted or go unnoticed.  The sound of the furnace kicking on bringing warmer temps to my frozen fingers, seeing the satisfied look of contentment of my children who once again have full stomachs, the dogs happily playing in the livingroom while everyone goes about their different activities.  There truly is so much to be grateful for.  Sometimes, you have to look around and remind yourself to see it.  And yes sometimes we have to do a little digging to realize it when storms of chaos once again try to bury us under the waves of happenstance. 

I am thankful for the new friends I have met this year that have brought a kaleidoscope of color to my soul.

For the outpouring of love and appreciation of so many, even when in outward appearance I am the Lone Ranger and my horse is tired and foaming at the mouth from exhaustion, and yet surrounded by hearts willing to share, give and inspire me to keep trudging along.

The sounds of laughter daily of 4 beautiful angels who have chosen me to be their Mom, and quiet conversations where they share their thoughts, hopes, dreams and trials.

That there are still people out there who will stretch out their hands in help when there are times that life seems too heavy to carry just on my shoulders.

That the groaning trees out in my yard have held firm and not given into the wind's might breath and fallen on my home or cars.

Yes I am grateful even for the trials, the difficulty, the upset and tears for they have carved a deeper design in the wood of my soul.  I am stronger and more determined than I have ever been to keep moving forward and to never give up, even though it seems to me that even from a young age, that option was never on the table for me to sample.

I am grateful that even through losing so very many who are dear to me, who now grace the heaven's with their beauty, they still stop by and say hello once in awhile and just let me know that still, they stand near and can hear me.  I appreciate the gifts I have been blessed with and have had further awaken since My beautiful Momma crossed the angel bridge, and I know that she is still teaching me from beyond the veil in ways maybe she was not able to do while she was here.

I am grateful that my kids trust me enough to screw up and work to do better, all the while knowing that I am going to make more mistakes as we go along.  They love me anyway. 

I am grateful even for those who have taught me the harder lessons by the roles they have played in my life.  Without those lessons, I would not be the person I am today.

I am grateful that I know what hunger is so that I can appreciate being full.  That I know frigid cold so I can intensely appreciate and enjoy the beautiful warm sunshine on a clear summer day.  That the ocean is my one true serenity and I would not know that if I did not know the mountains intimately.  I can appreciate that life can be miraculous because I have known sorrow and the un-miraculous.

Yes Life is good.  I would not trade mine for anything in the whole world.  And in the end, someday, when I draw my last breath and cross the angel bridge, I will be grateful that I have lived my life with arms and heart wide open.  For now, I will keep finding my gratitude everyday.  In digging through the rubble, I have found some fascinating diamonds and pearls. 

yes, Life my friends, is good.  And grateful will always be enough.