My thoughts as my son prepares to travel across the world

March 25, 2014

David  my amazing son,

Tomorrow you take your first huge trip half way across our world and I want you to know I am so very excited for you.  This is going to be an experience like no other for you and I really just want to tell you how very happy and excited I am for you, and also thoughts that have been rolling through my mind today.  Things I just want you to know and carry with you.

I want you to know just how deeply I support you and your dreams.  How incredibly amazing you are.  You are so very responsible for young man your age, more responsible than most adults I know.  You are insanely funny, so very bright and intelligent, (even though you question that you are), caring, giving and a ridiculously hard worker.  Your dedication to your responsibilities and to your dreams (not to mention your family) is inspiring and beautiful.

 

I want you to know that even though this particular dream does scare me a little as your Mom, and even though it is a difficult experience watching my son face opponents that could, let’s be honest; beat you pretty intensely, there Is no way in hell I will not be there for all I can… cheering you on, supporting you and witnessing your climb with pride and love.  I could no more stay home and not be there than stop my own breathing.  

Today so many things flashed through my mind, nearly 20 years of memories as I just sat and watched you asleep on the couch.  Here is the mushy, maybe embarrassing Mom part but I will share it with you anyway, not because you need or want to hear it but because I need to say it.  When you lay sleeping on the couch, curled up peacefully, Instead of seeing the 6’ grown man who graduated high school, works and is about to venture off into the world.  What I saw instead, is the 6lb13 oz little miracle that danced into my life and changed my whole world with your first breath.  I saw the 3 year old huge blue eyes boy curled up next to me on the couch cuddling with me, “snuggling” my hair.  I remembered your innocent smile and laughter, filling our home and my heart so full that I thought it would explode.  I remember the little man who welcomed his sister and brothers with open arms, never once asking me to give them back, and instead loved them and helped take care of them.  I saw the young boy, tormented for years by bullies who not only hurt you but your heart and soul.  Wrapped up in the man before me I saw your strength and determination to not only not hurt anyone, but also stand strong and defend yourself and your siblings with fire and pride beyond your years.  I Heard all the times you said I love you Mommie, the times you got angry with me and life in general.  I saw the young man that proudly fought for his original dream to play lacrosse and had that dream dashed to pieces with a broken heart, only to take a deep breath and dream again. 

I want you to know, now and for the rest of your life that you are perfect the way you are.  That you are ENOUGH.  Whatever enough can mean.  That I am not in any way trying to or have ever tried to hold you back or be over protective….just that I love you so deeply that I have done my best to guide you and protect you in the ways that I CAN.  Sadly I haven’t always done the best at it my son but I have tried my hardest with the very best that I knew at the time.  No matter how old you get, moms will forever worry about their kids.  That is just the way of it and even when it gets frustrating and you think I am being too cautious, I hope you can understand that I was gifted with the blessing of being your mom and that will never change no matter how old and independent you get.

Others will not get it or understand your choices.  Too bad for them, they don’t have to.  Your self worth is not tied to anything anyone will ever think of you and it never was.  Don’t ever seek to prove anything to anyone but yourself.  Let that be enough. 

When you come back from this wonderful journey you will be changed in a beautiful way.  I have no doubt that the man I see walk off the airplane will somehow look years older to me, stronger, wiser and more beautiful.  You will come back with life experience, strength, determination and fire, and ready to take on the world.  And when you do take on the world?  I will remain your biggest fan and supporter.  It does not matter to me whether you win or lose your fights.  To me you have already won them all.  

I want you to know, that I could not be more proud of you than I am and that I will miss you so deeply, even as excited as I am for you.  I will miss your laughter and whacky sense of humor while you are gone.  I will miss everything about you.  And I hope you will be patient with me when you walk off the plane that brings you back home and all I want to do is hug you and welcome you back home.  I know it sounds silly, but yup I am going to cry when you leave.  But it isn’t because I don’t want you to go, it is only that my heart is so full of love and pride that it needs to spill out of me somehow so it doesn’t explode. 

Most of all I want you to have fun, enjoy this because you have worked so hard to make it happen and because you deserve your dream, as much if not more than anyone I know.  And the biggest thing I want you to know and carry with you, is how very much I love you.  Every second of every day.  I cannot wait to see how brightly you shine.  Take the world by storm my son.  We are all better people because of the light you shine into our lives.

PS.  Call your mother and let her know you get their safely!   :D