Out with the old and in witht he New....Year. Writing from my soul

OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW

 

In reflecting on 2013, there have been so many things that have happened within the moments of this year.  Some good, some AMAZING, some very difficult and some near crippling.  Through them all, I stand braced against the winds of change.  There have been times I have held my face with eyes closed to the wind, relishing the feel of the winds of change on my skin.  There have been others where the wind was almost too much to brace myself against and as the sands of time pelted my skin, I flinched for moments at a time with held breath, praying for it to just slow down.  Within each of these scenarios, even when knocked to my knees, I rose up and stood again.

 

There have been many moments in the past year where those first few moments after the onslaught, I stood shaking and had to catch my breath.  I will be honest, the past couple of years have been incredibly difficult.  Through home disasters, mold and extreme sickness, near poverty and a sad heart, children in crisis, battles fought and lost, friends walking away, family squabbles and the resulting blackballing and near annihilation of 5 family members left wondering what the hell happened......I have endured and persevered.  And still, here I stand exhausted and exhilarated at the coming of a new year.

 

There have been equally as many BEAUTIFUL amazing moments within these past 2 years that I am so thankful for.  I opened my own business, did some incredibly rewarding work with so many people I have been blessed with knowing and helped.  I have lost some treasured souls I worked with and have know, stepped into my gifts with a willing and open heart and strived to leave people in a much better place then when they walked in to see me.  I have met some of the most incredible people in person and on social media that have become part of my extended family.  I love each and every one of them!  I have once again taken on homeschooling with my Robert while willingly sacrificing my days of being able to work and make money to support us.  I moved us from a house that was well, quite a nightmare to a new home this year and through it all found my voice and my passion for working with spirit and the healing modalities.  I have given my whole soul to helping others with the lessons I have learned, so that they too can find their power and peace.  I have reconnected with some life long friends and felt such love and acceptance that hordes of ogres with baseball bats could not have beaten the joy out of me,

 

I have laughed until I cried and cried until I either near collapsed or laughed.  I have been gifted in ways by friends with huge hearts and love and support they give so unconditionally and freely. 

 

2013 what a roller coaster ride you have been.  Through it all I finally released my story so I can write a brand new one.  I will remember you in every cell of my body and as the last hours of this year fade on the clock, in one hand I wave the white flag and in the other I wave the multi-colored brush I will use to paint my new landscape.  Farewell to the old year and welcome to the new. 

 

This year I will love more, help more, inspire more, and worry less.  I will  stand strong in my integrity for what I do and stretch myself to be a better mother, friend, family member, and person.

 

To all of you who have touched my soul within the ticking of 2013's clock, I thank you and I love you dearly.  To those who have turned away, I send you off with love and say to you, I wish you love and happiness.

 

Yes, out with the old and in with the new.....and still....I stand.

Nature speaks to the open heart

Northern Vermont living this summer has been quite the ride, with torrential rain, lightening storms and humidity that leaves you gasping to pull a breath into your lungs.  But today, ahhhh today, is the perfect Vermont day.  Upon waking this morning for the first time in a long time, my first thought was that it was actually cold in my house.  This even preceded my usual first thought that comes before the feet hit the floor coming out of bed:  Coffee.

There was a coolness to the air this morning that surprisingly did not inundate my lungs with heavy moisture.  The crystal blue sky seems to go on endlessly like the crystalline expanse of the ocean, dotted with lazily floating clouds which morph into a myriad dance of shapes to ponder.  Hours could be spent lazily watching the sky on summer days like this, without a thought to the clock or anything of the mundane physical world.  As I sit here reveling in the beauty of natures perfection, there is a light breeze kissing my face and caressing my wind chimes into a gentle melody of peacefulness.

Nature is such a rejuvenating presence when we find, no, make the time to embrace her.  Life moves swiftly, yet nature never rushes.  It dances along in its own time and cadence.  As I sit and absorb all its beautiful gifts, my mind wanders to younger days when there was nothing I had to worry about or get done; when all was taken care of for me so that I could just Be.  Memories flit across my mind of lazy days at  Clough State Park, endless hours at Wallis Sands State Beach with my family.  Now THOSE, were the happy days of my youth when all was right in the world.  I am a happy carefree spirit once again as I sit in my nature cathedral, humming John Denver's Sunshine on My Shoulders.  Life my friends, is good.  There is no more to say than that.  Life is good.

Ahhh it feels like a day for writing, and my mind seems to be unwilling to commit to anything else.  So I will give it free reign and see what path it desires to take today.  Good Morning :)  I awoke this morning to cloudy skies and 50 degrees,  Mother Nature seems to be abit confused lately but I know that She knows what she is doing even if I cannot fathom her reasoning, so I will sit with my little heater under my desk while I write to keep my bare toes toasty.

We have moved and are in our new home.  3 weeks ago began the chaos of relocating and new beginnings.  As is often the case in my life, it came screaming along with hardly a stop for breathing.  The day we moved my cousin who had just got his license and a car and moved up here less than a week previously, was in a car accident.  Thank GOD he is ok.  At around 11 am he was heading back from the new house after delivering a load from the old when his rear tire blew just after he turned onto our hold road.  Luckily he was going quite slow having just turned, when he lost control and went into the ditch only feet from my house.  An apple tree came right through the front window and he escaped with only some cuts and bruises.  Looking at the car there was absolutely an angel protecting this one I love so much.  I am profoundly thankful.  One hour later we picked up the moving truck and began the arduous task of transferring our home.  No easy task when it was largely myself, Ian and my kids.  No matter, we did it. 
Around the same time I quit my job at the spa since my hours had been cut and the income didn't even pay my gas money to get there.  On top of that it was a terrible place to work and caused me great stress.  Chaos rolls down hill and with these changes brought to the forefront some financial issues I quite obviously need to look at within me.  The saying "If you want what you have always had, then do what you have always done"  is my jumping point.  Time to acknowledge my past financial beliefs and doings and make some changes.  it is high time and ripe for the growing of new avenues.  Funny how going a week without food filling the cupboard and fridge to keep everyone satisfied can bring up some areas needing healing. 

Now I sit in my happy little office, which for now is still and absent of the beautiful spirits I am fortunate enough to work with on their healing.  Networking, planning and advertising is the order of this week.  I must admit, I have lately had to look at the avenue I am on and question if I should continue with my office.  As many questions and doubts as I might have rolling around in my head, I still believe that changing directions would be like taking a wrong turn.  I am doing what I love, regardless of the frequency of the footsteps gracing my space and blessing me with the opportunity to serve and help others.  I refuse to believe that I have been thrust onto this particular journey to
walk away.  So from this day forward I jump on my sailing ship, raise the sails high and commit to seeing where the wind leads me as I adjust the sails to grab the momentum.  I need to remember always that I am here to be a lighthouse; and I cannot consciously turn off that light and close down that which I have been given as a gift to help others navigate the waters safely and clearly.  Maybe this lighthouse simply needs a new Fresnal lense and some brighter bulbs.  Construction is under way.

So today that is my journey and my thought meanderings and it feels ridiculously empowering to pt the words in writing.  I know that largely I write this to myself, but in doing that it is a reminder for me of why I do what I am blessed to do.  Absolutely to help and inspire others, but realizing that few will read it, more so to grab the wind and blow life into my own sails.  Blessings and love are sent to those who's eyes grace this page.  Remember Dear Ones.  YOU are enough, and there are people out there who genuinely care.  You are never alone.  <3

There is Irony on the journey

Just when you feel everything is aligned and you are well on your way to everything you work towards, the Universe at times conspires to remind you where you haven't quite cleared the dirt in the walkway.  Bam the monsoon hits and washes all kinds of old energies into the path and very rapidly you can find the mud terribly hard to swim through.  However, there are gifts in every single step.

Perspective is everything and if truly life is about the journey and not the destination, then we must revel in every step.  Not just the easy ones, but the knee deep in the muck-hard as hell ones.  It is our inherent nature to question where we are at and how we got there, but paramount to not get stuck in that process.  How do we avoid that pitfall?  I am still learning :)  One thing I do know that helps is stepping into a neutral place of detached loving observation of what seems to be shredding the fabric of daily life.  How did I end up back in the drink?  Wasn't I doing everything that I was guided to and holding the right positive thoughts?  Have I been grateful enough and helping as many as I could in service to others?  Step to either side of neutral and different things happen almost instantly.  When observing and questioning to the left side of neutral, there is sadness and despair.  To the right resides anger and frustration.  Stepping back in neutral and there resides answers that are non judgmental or mired in emotion.  This, is coming back to Center.  From there the unattached-to-outcome self can see yes or no I have done all those things without judging the self for that answers and see the way to clearly realigning ourselves with who we are and all we can be.  Here only can we observe and and make changes, and more importantly let go of our old story and ways of doing.  We can realize that yes we have done amazing work, but that doesn't mean the job is over.  Here we can put on a new pair of shoes that might fit the muddy path a little better and hold a better grip on the slippery path.  Guess what?  After we are though that we get to pick out a new form of footwear.

yesterday I had my first sound balancing session ( and did one as well).  Fantastic and so insightful.  What I learned was that some of the past experiences I have grown through and mountains I had climbed still left some residue for me to wash away.  Yes I have done the deep digging for certain!  I just left a couple of boxes to open and reorganize.  Phew!  One thing I realized is that I have not been completely in acceptance of help.  Yes I can and do in certain circumstances but not in all ways.  I still carried with me that I can and have to do it all filter, to the degree that reaching out for help in non material ways can still be very difficult for me.  Another thing I found is that I still carry is alot of anger, guilt and shame.  These are some particularly ugly filters that are a little harder to make clear or remove, but I know that I absolutely can and will.  Younger years filled with bullying and insults slung by uncaring hearts welled up and stayed hidden in my energy self, wreaking havoc from behind a mirror I didn't care to look into.  The best part here?  With awareness, inspection and some work, anything can be transformed and made pretty again.  Maybe not right off the shelf-pristine, but uniquely lovely.  A little spit shine is what completes the job begun so long ago. 

Today begins a new journey of discovery and some polishing.  Today I remember that often we need to polish the old silver to make it shine again.  Today I step into some new shoes and some beautiful new wandering through the present moment, letting the old wash away, leaving in its wake, a little more sparkle.  From my perspective, a beautiful gift has been given and accepted.  To stuff it back in the closet would be a shame, so I will place myself in front of the mirror instead of my back turned towards it.  Really, it is a great view.

In all appearances, it seems life has decided to kick my arse and turn everything upside down.  One month ago I was on top of the world.  My business was hopping and growing to the point that I was having to do a lot of juggling just to fit in all the people that were calling.  I had received an offer to rent a house and decided to take it, eliminating the nightmare of this home I have been struggling to keep from falling apart and had endured the court date regarding this place.  I was in a place of positivity, inspiration and passion for life and loving the journey moment by moment. 

At that point things started to spiral.  I had a client and friend begin harassing me and causing a great deal of stress for me and my family, which we got through and I dealt with.  I had successfully navigated a new full heating system for my car and a rental, financially and mentally.  Then it all began snowballing faster than an avalanche racing down a mountain.  Honestly there has been so much i cannot even recall all the little disasters between then and now.  Ahhh, yes, work, that was one.  What began as a peaceful job all of a sudden turned to a hellish nightmare of condescension, rudeness and misery, all wrapped up in the bosses I work for, who tend to treat people worse than cattle who are up for slaughter.  THEN came the car.  Again.  This time 4 tires needing replacing pronto largely thanks to the horrid roads.  Wait....it doesn't end there.  Driving my son to school a week ago a horrid snap happened under my car.  Off to hell work I went after dropping off another son.  When leaving I knew I was in trouble.  Right turns elicited a loud cracking and I made it all the way back across 3 towns without crashing Thank God.  The spring is mangled and nearly off the car, the struts are gone as well as strut boots and mounts and a 100 other things and bazinga, super mobile mom has just been stranded.  That was a week ago.  Since then I have cried, waited for parts (that I am still waiting for) exhausted every ounce of finances as well as those that I haven't even made yet.  I have aggravated work since I had to be off schedule this week and am about to lose some utilities that are extremely necessary.  Oh yes, and lost income because I have been unable to work.  Thrown into the mix is my children who have been sicker this year than all of their years combined thanks to the mold we thought had been eradicated from our basement resulting in a lot of lost school time, doctors appointments and letters from truant officers about that.  My daughter nearly had 2 collapsed lungs thanks to the terrible ER doctor we saw.

So in the interim, I have continued to help those who come to me, keep going and remain positive.  Until this morning.  The car parts which are the most crucial will not be here for another 4 days still and I will not have my car until next Tuesday.  I had to reserve a rental car I cannot in any remote way begin to pay for.  To add to the fun I will not receive a paycheck next week. 

Anyway :)  Onto the digging and lessons.  I wish I could say I have figured them out but I haven't  I know there is a beautiful lesson of growth within this fiasco but I have yet to excavate it, with the exception of getting to stop running 200+ miles a day.  I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I did through my whole divorce. 

The lesson?  Never ever give up.  Stay positive, believe in miracles and keep trying.  Any more than that I am still seeking the answers to.  Should I have NOT agreed to the rental house?  Given up the business to work more hours at a thankless job where I am treated like a felon?  Should I have not put any money into the car that is failing?   Is it a harsh reminder that I have NO ONE to say, It will be ok I promise....or you have helped so many people let me help you now?  Is it a reminder that My Mom died 14 years ago and my father wrote me and my children off 6 years ago and I have no full time friends I can lean on?   Who knows right now, but I intend to grow through this nightmare.  All I know is I will not only survive.  I WILL thrive.  I always do.  Looking back at this blog I think it would make a hell of a drama series.  The only difference is that I do not intend to allow the drama to continue for ratings and excessive viewing.  My life isn't for sissies.  many would be on medicine after just one month in my life.  I however, will NOT.  Today I will find a way to be an inspiration and the lighthouse I often speak of.  Because within the darkness, a single match can light a room.

sharing a peek into the book in the process...just a peek

Forward

I am not quite certain when or where the ride shifted leading me to this very moment of self- exploration.  All I do know is that it did, and the road to now has been an incredible and at many times, scary journey.  There were noticeable signposts along the way that were immediately recognizable:  my mother and best friend losing her life to Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), my marriage falling apart, a child in crisis, and my home going into foreclosure.  These were the landslides that burned themselves into my consciousness.  And yet, these were not the catalysts to my self discovery.  They were the byproduct of change.  They were the jump in with both feet blindfolded opportunities to growth.  The true catalysts were much more subtle and less recognizable from the vantage point of my limited view, until I began the incredible process of understanding.

Looking back from where I am now, the fog is beginning to life, no longer clouding my view behind a murky haze of awareness.  The veil parts, the curtain opens and the view opens up before me miraculously.  Why now?  Because I am ready for it.  From here I can tell you the view of the horizon is breath-taking. 

Digging Deep is about the journey of self-discovery.  Somewhere in the process we must dig down, exposing the roots that hold us firmly where we are in order to move to another place.  Maybe, just maybe, the place where we are meant to be.  I strongly believe that in order to really understand and heal, we have to take everything back to the root of its growth, back to the moment of its seeding.  Everything happens for a reason.  There are no coincidences.  I believe that with my whole soul.  Many are learning now that even physical ailments and disease have underlying causes and lessons within them.  We can use lotions, potions and pills to alleviate the discomfort and symptoms, but these things do not cure the malady.  They are merely band- aids that make it all manageable.  For a while.  Eventually the Band-Aid falls off, leaving us right back where we started.  We can either replace the Band-Aids or we can heal the wound or the sickness.

If we truly want to heal and grow, we need to put on our archeologist hat and begin to dig in the dirt.  Do you remember digging in the dirt when you were a child?  For me, it was a time of exploration and fun.  The messier the better!  When I played in the dirt, or better yet, the mud, it was exhilarating.  My thoughts wandered to what I would find, how would it feel, and I didn’t care one bit how messy I got doing it!  Where did that childhood excitement for exploration go?  It got buried in the avalanche of life situations and growing up.  Did you ever dig around the exposed roots of a tree or move the dirt with your hands exploring just where they went?  I could sit forever under a tree doing just that.  Little did I know someday I would embark on a similar mission of a more spiritual nature.  Trees and their roots have so much they can teach us if we can only begin to move the dirt from around them, exposing their lessons that lie below the surface of what we perceive as solid ground.

I can’t promise you that it will always be easy or that you won’t bang up your knuckles, here and there.  What I can promise you from personal experience is that it will be worth it.  It will open your eyes to miracles that were previously hidden from view.  I hope you will find something to inspire you within these pages.  Come sit with me under the tree for a while.  Bring your child-like curiosity and some digging tools.  Every journal begins with a single step and every treasure needs to be unearthed and dusted off in order to see its beauty and worth.  Welcome my friends, to discovery. 

On this frigid morning I feel the desire to write and dedicate this to an amazingly beautiful friend of mine, for within her journey there is such profound beauty and insight that I am inspired daily to reach for the stars and become a better me than I was the day before.  Kim, for you lady angel, with gratitude for the incredibly bright light and love you shine forth for others to warm their souls in.    

In our everyday lives we encounter so many people.  All can shine light in our darkened corners if we can step back and look from an different perspective.  Some yes, we need to truly work at not taking things personally and seeing what they bring to our table for learning about ourselves.  Some seemingly only bring negativity and drama, and yet, their is still beautiful lessons wrapped up in those people when we face the feelings and situations they present us within OURSELVES.  And still some blaze into our awareness and lives with a light that shines so brightly that there are times it is nearly blinding.  This morning I write in tribute to one such as this.  

Not so long ago I was blessed with the friendship of this beautiful soul who with her words, shares love and inspiration so completely that I quite literally look forward to her shares for the beauty and encouragement I find there.  Very quickly my soul recognized her as a kindred spirit and earth Angel who came to shine her light bright for all to see and to be positively affected.  And shine she does.  I speak often of being a lighthouse and what that means in a world where darkness is more readily recognized and embraced.  For me, and from what I have seen, this dear lady is one of the grandest brightest lighthouses I have had the pleasure of guiding me past rocky shores.

Something that occurred last night made me very sad.  Someone, upset this beacon of light with admonishments of continuing her present course in a sense, holds her back, when in fact it does exactly the opposite, propels her forward! My first thought was to encourage her as much as I could and still give the other person the benefit of trying to help.  I am not certain my wording conveyed my thoughts as well as they could have in a rush to run to her side in support and that has haunted me all night.  Now my thoughts go not only to wanting to shine an equal light on her amazing growth equal to that which she has done for mine, but I also sit and contemplate the need of some to negate other's growth with words and thoughts not carefully chosen.  Oh I know the mechanics and the reasons, hell I TEACH it!  still, it saddens my heart so deeply when I see it happening and am ineffectual in being able to smooth the journey for those who are doing the work to grow, change and share their story so others may benefit.  

Oh dear people, please give thought to your words and how they may hurt others.  Before you speak, examine your motive in the words you hang on another's soul.  There is enough negativity in this world and it is beyond time to look within instead of projecting outward.  The thoughts you share carry energy and weight.  Often times they are heavier than lead blocks.  Everyone is on their own journey, bares their own cross so to speak, and many that some carry would bring the average person to their knees.  

My heart is heavy and I hope deeply that these words can convey how profoundly this lady has affected me and convey my gratitude for her journey and brave sharing of her truth.  So dear lady to you I wish to say, do not let anyone rain their personal negativity on your beautiful soul and the light you share so freely and lovingly.  You are true to yourself and no one has the right to purge their personal stories on your heart.  You INSPIRE ME.  For that there are no words that even come close to expressing what that means to me in a world where I have struggled my whole life, only to grow to a seemingly parallel path in so many ways over the past 2 years.  I am blessed to call you friend.  Be true to you and what other people think is their issue not yours.  And I promise to stand by you and unconditional support and love you along your journey.  It is all I can give, and I give it freely.    You see, your light shines blindingly on me, illumining my path merely by you shining light on yours.  You are a teacher and a sage and for you, I am thankful.