Yesterday was a miracle of Divine guidance and insight for me. Through the snowstorm I traveled to my friends to have a mini retreat and spend the day in friendship and embracing present moments. Feeling a little "off" I wondered what the day would bring and where my attentions and perceptions would take me. It took awhile, as we talked, laughed and ate lunch, before we settled into our beautiful peaceful place. One thing lead to another as we cut out things that called to us from magazines to make collages. Every one I was drawn to had ocean colors all through them. Of course in light of the snowstorm that blew around us it drew me to my thoughts of wanting...no, that's not quite right....NEEDING spring. Something was beginning to tickle my perception as if someone was poking at me with a feather. Staring out of the window at the large fluffy snowflakes swirling around on the breath of Winter Maker, I could not get a grasp on what was poking at my consciousness. On our merry way we went for awhile as a topic of conversation took shape, smacking me in the forehead of realization like a 2x4. My beautiful friend and I were lead into a discussion of our teenagers, which lead to talk of the oldest of my angels turning 18 and beginning his new found, rapidly approaching adult adventure. Emotions bubbled to the surface as Jen and I acknowledged the tears and emotions rolling off us like a rushing yet cleansing waterfall. The new path for me sparked her memory of her recent journey with her daughter graduating and going off to college. Sometimes apparently I need a pitcher to the head, and this was exactly what I got. I pulled myself together as pictures were forming in my head, orchestrated by nature's playful spirit outside the window, so I bundled up and went outside to listen to the silence of nature, connect with the message and feel Wind Maker's breath on my face. As I stood there watching the swirling dervish of snowflakes dancing through the air, I perceived in them Memories of my son. One by one they drifted and swirled.....each snowflake representing a memory of his journey. My mind would focus on one snowflake....in it I saw his first breath of life, in another...his first laugh...yet others his first word, first day of school and on and on it went until my heart and mind were full of the beautiful moments I have been blessed with. As I stood there in the middle of my winter storm snow globe of memories crying, I held out my hand to catch one here and there, then watched them quickly melt in the heat of my hand only to vanish in a mini puddle of remembrance. Again shifting my gaze to the spiral of snowflakes, I noticed some were sneaking down the back of my collar to melt onto my shoulders, others danced into my jacket and melted near my throat, while a few tricked down and gave up their secrets near my heart. Yet another glance downward showed my my coat full of white snowflake kisses that did not melt, but filled my coat like a patchwork quilt of David memories. These did not melt, but stayed visible and perfect in their patterns, leaving me contemplating which would ones always stay whole and there for me to glance at with a simple look. All over those special snowflakes were the boy who was the first to change my whole life and bless my world all the way up to visions of the amazing young man he has become. Even more hinted at landing there, but weren't quite ready to become part of that memory quilt.....the man he will become in the future was still not ready to alight but they silently made a promise to land there in the future, and I lovingly await them filling my heart when the time is right for them to come to me.
Here is yet another...maybe more profound epiphanie: In my need for warmer weather to kiss my winter weary spirit, and my focus on wishing it here faster than Divine Timing sees fit, I am wishing away my last days of my first pre-adult child. Winter is just weather and temperature! Yes I am a summer soul who craves the embrace of warmth and the touch of the sunlight, and I certainly accept and embrace that in me, however, I must temper that drive to time warp, remembering that in doing that I am wishing away some very precious fading moments of my sons childhood. Every single moment is precious and worth dancing with.
Eventually I landed back inside telling my dear friend about my visions and experience, in a much different place than before I wandered out into wind maker and Old man winter's playground. At anytime through the coming years I can choose to shake up my memory snow globe and watch the memories swirl around for my private viewing, until I am ready to let them settle again for a later shake. My children are the colors of the rainbow that fill my spirit with love and absolute beauty. Each and every one of them will have their own private snow globe that will forever rest within my heart and mind for a shake here and there. Once again I am blessed with being in a place where I refuse to wish even one second away. Instead I embrace them like a new mother holding her child for the first time. In each moment I will look it in the eye and breathe in the perfection of the grand I AM with a smile...and maybe a tear in my eye. My son....and my daughter...and son and son....you I pray one day will see the beauty and joy you have given me every second of every day of my life. Until that day I will keep it all close to my beating heart as the legacy I am hopefully leaving you.
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