Just when you feel everything is aligned and you are well on your way to everything you work towards, the Universe at times conspires to remind you where you haven't quite cleared the dirt in the walkway. Bam the monsoon hits and washes all kinds of old energies into the path and very rapidly you can find the mud terribly hard to swim through. However, there are gifts in every single step.
Perspective is everything and if truly life is about the journey and not the destination, then we must revel in every step. Not just the easy ones, but the knee deep in the muck-hard as hell ones. It is our inherent nature to question where we are at and how we got there, but paramount to not get stuck in that process. How do we avoid that pitfall? I am still learning :) One thing I do know that helps is stepping into a neutral place of detached loving observation of what seems to be shredding the fabric of daily life. How did I end up back in the drink? Wasn't I doing everything that I was guided to and holding the right positive thoughts? Have I been grateful enough and helping as many as I could in service to others? Step to either side of neutral and different things happen almost instantly. When observing and questioning to the left side of neutral, there is sadness and despair. To the right resides anger and frustration. Stepping back in neutral and there resides answers that are non judgmental or mired in emotion. This, is coming back to Center. From there the unattached-to-outcome self can see yes or no I have done all those things without judging the self for that answers and see the way to clearly realigning ourselves with who we are and all we can be. Here only can we observe and and make changes, and more importantly let go of our old story and ways of doing. We can realize that yes we have done amazing work, but that doesn't mean the job is over. Here we can put on a new pair of shoes that might fit the muddy path a little better and hold a better grip on the slippery path. Guess what? After we are though that we get to pick out a new form of footwear.
yesterday I had my first sound balancing session ( and did one as well). Fantastic and so insightful. What I learned was that some of the past experiences I have grown through and mountains I had climbed still left some residue for me to wash away. Yes I have done the deep digging for certain! I just left a couple of boxes to open and reorganize. Phew! One thing I realized is that I have not been completely in acceptance of help. Yes I can and do in certain circumstances but not in all ways. I still carried with me that I can and have to do it all filter, to the degree that reaching out for help in non material ways can still be very difficult for me. Another thing I found is that I still carry is alot of anger, guilt and shame. These are some particularly ugly filters that are a little harder to make clear or remove, but I know that I absolutely can and will. Younger years filled with bullying and insults slung by uncaring hearts welled up and stayed hidden in my energy self, wreaking havoc from behind a mirror I didn't care to look into. The best part here? With awareness, inspection and some work, anything can be transformed and made pretty again. Maybe not right off the shelf-pristine, but uniquely lovely. A little spit shine is what completes the job begun so long ago.
Today begins a new journey of discovery and some polishing. Today I remember that often we need to polish the old silver to make it shine again. Today I step into some new shoes and some beautiful new wandering through the present moment, letting the old wash away, leaving in its wake, a little more sparkle. From my perspective, a beautiful gift has been given and accepted. To stuff it back in the closet would be a shame, so I will place myself in front of the mirror instead of my back turned towards it. Really, it is a great view.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
In all appearances, it seems life has decided to kick my arse and turn everything upside down. One month ago I was on top of the world. My business was hopping and growing to the point that I was having to do a lot of juggling just to fit in all the people that were calling. I had received an offer to rent a house and decided to take it, eliminating the nightmare of this home I have been struggling to keep from falling apart and had endured the court date regarding this place. I was in a place of positivity, inspiration and passion for life and loving the journey moment by moment.
At that point things started to spiral. I had a client and friend begin harassing me and causing a great deal of stress for me and my family, which we got through and I dealt with. I had successfully navigated a new full heating system for my car and a rental, financially and mentally. Then it all began snowballing faster than an avalanche racing down a mountain. Honestly there has been so much i cannot even recall all the little disasters between then and now. Ahhh, yes, work, that was one. What began as a peaceful job all of a sudden turned to a hellish nightmare of condescension, rudeness and misery, all wrapped up in the bosses I work for, who tend to treat people worse than cattle who are up for slaughter. THEN came the car. Again. This time 4 tires needing replacing pronto largely thanks to the horrid roads. Wait....it doesn't end there. Driving my son to school a week ago a horrid snap happened under my car. Off to hell work I went after dropping off another son. When leaving I knew I was in trouble. Right turns elicited a loud cracking and I made it all the way back across 3 towns without crashing Thank God. The spring is mangled and nearly off the car, the struts are gone as well as strut boots and mounts and a 100 other things and bazinga, super mobile mom has just been stranded. That was a week ago. Since then I have cried, waited for parts (that I am still waiting for) exhausted every ounce of finances as well as those that I haven't even made yet. I have aggravated work since I had to be off schedule this week and am about to lose some utilities that are extremely necessary. Oh yes, and lost income because I have been unable to work. Thrown into the mix is my children who have been sicker this year than all of their years combined thanks to the mold we thought had been eradicated from our basement resulting in a lot of lost school time, doctors appointments and letters from truant officers about that. My daughter nearly had 2 collapsed lungs thanks to the terrible ER doctor we saw.
So in the interim, I have continued to help those who come to me, keep going and remain positive. Until this morning. The car parts which are the most crucial will not be here for another 4 days still and I will not have my car until next Tuesday. I had to reserve a rental car I cannot in any remote way begin to pay for. To add to the fun I will not receive a paycheck next week.
Anyway :) Onto the digging and lessons. I wish I could say I have figured them out but I haven't I know there is a beautiful lesson of growth within this fiasco but I have yet to excavate it, with the exception of getting to stop running 200+ miles a day. I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I did through my whole divorce.
The lesson? Never ever give up. Stay positive, believe in miracles and keep trying. Any more than that I am still seeking the answers to. Should I have NOT agreed to the rental house? Given up the business to work more hours at a thankless job where I am treated like a felon? Should I have not put any money into the car that is failing? Is it a harsh reminder that I have NO ONE to say, It will be ok I promise....or you have helped so many people let me help you now? Is it a reminder that My Mom died 14 years ago and my father wrote me and my children off 6 years ago and I have no full time friends I can lean on? Who knows right now, but I intend to grow through this nightmare. All I know is I will not only survive. I WILL thrive. I always do. Looking back at this blog I think it would make a hell of a drama series. The only difference is that I do not intend to allow the drama to continue for ratings and excessive viewing. My life isn't for sissies. many would be on medicine after just one month in my life. I however, will NOT. Today I will find a way to be an inspiration and the lighthouse I often speak of. Because within the darkness, a single match can light a room.
At that point things started to spiral. I had a client and friend begin harassing me and causing a great deal of stress for me and my family, which we got through and I dealt with. I had successfully navigated a new full heating system for my car and a rental, financially and mentally. Then it all began snowballing faster than an avalanche racing down a mountain. Honestly there has been so much i cannot even recall all the little disasters between then and now. Ahhh, yes, work, that was one. What began as a peaceful job all of a sudden turned to a hellish nightmare of condescension, rudeness and misery, all wrapped up in the bosses I work for, who tend to treat people worse than cattle who are up for slaughter. THEN came the car. Again. This time 4 tires needing replacing pronto largely thanks to the horrid roads. Wait....it doesn't end there. Driving my son to school a week ago a horrid snap happened under my car. Off to hell work I went after dropping off another son. When leaving I knew I was in trouble. Right turns elicited a loud cracking and I made it all the way back across 3 towns without crashing Thank God. The spring is mangled and nearly off the car, the struts are gone as well as strut boots and mounts and a 100 other things and bazinga, super mobile mom has just been stranded. That was a week ago. Since then I have cried, waited for parts (that I am still waiting for) exhausted every ounce of finances as well as those that I haven't even made yet. I have aggravated work since I had to be off schedule this week and am about to lose some utilities that are extremely necessary. Oh yes, and lost income because I have been unable to work. Thrown into the mix is my children who have been sicker this year than all of their years combined thanks to the mold we thought had been eradicated from our basement resulting in a lot of lost school time, doctors appointments and letters from truant officers about that. My daughter nearly had 2 collapsed lungs thanks to the terrible ER doctor we saw.
So in the interim, I have continued to help those who come to me, keep going and remain positive. Until this morning. The car parts which are the most crucial will not be here for another 4 days still and I will not have my car until next Tuesday. I had to reserve a rental car I cannot in any remote way begin to pay for. To add to the fun I will not receive a paycheck next week.
Anyway :) Onto the digging and lessons. I wish I could say I have figured them out but I haven't I know there is a beautiful lesson of growth within this fiasco but I have yet to excavate it, with the exception of getting to stop running 200+ miles a day. I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I did through my whole divorce.
The lesson? Never ever give up. Stay positive, believe in miracles and keep trying. Any more than that I am still seeking the answers to. Should I have NOT agreed to the rental house? Given up the business to work more hours at a thankless job where I am treated like a felon? Should I have not put any money into the car that is failing? Is it a harsh reminder that I have NO ONE to say, It will be ok I promise....or you have helped so many people let me help you now? Is it a reminder that My Mom died 14 years ago and my father wrote me and my children off 6 years ago and I have no full time friends I can lean on? Who knows right now, but I intend to grow through this nightmare. All I know is I will not only survive. I WILL thrive. I always do. Looking back at this blog I think it would make a hell of a drama series. The only difference is that I do not intend to allow the drama to continue for ratings and excessive viewing. My life isn't for sissies. many would be on medicine after just one month in my life. I however, will NOT. Today I will find a way to be an inspiration and the lighthouse I often speak of. Because within the darkness, a single match can light a room.
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