Ahhh it feels like a day for writing, and my mind seems to be unwilling to commit to anything else.  So I will give it free reign and see what path it desires to take today.  Good Morning :)  I awoke this morning to cloudy skies and 50 degrees,  Mother Nature seems to be abit confused lately but I know that She knows what she is doing even if I cannot fathom her reasoning, so I will sit with my little heater under my desk while I write to keep my bare toes toasty.

We have moved and are in our new home.  3 weeks ago began the chaos of relocating and new beginnings.  As is often the case in my life, it came screaming along with hardly a stop for breathing.  The day we moved my cousin who had just got his license and a car and moved up here less than a week previously, was in a car accident.  Thank GOD he is ok.  At around 11 am he was heading back from the new house after delivering a load from the old when his rear tire blew just after he turned onto our hold road.  Luckily he was going quite slow having just turned, when he lost control and went into the ditch only feet from my house.  An apple tree came right through the front window and he escaped with only some cuts and bruises.  Looking at the car there was absolutely an angel protecting this one I love so much.  I am profoundly thankful.  One hour later we picked up the moving truck and began the arduous task of transferring our home.  No easy task when it was largely myself, Ian and my kids.  No matter, we did it. 
Around the same time I quit my job at the spa since my hours had been cut and the income didn't even pay my gas money to get there.  On top of that it was a terrible place to work and caused me great stress.  Chaos rolls down hill and with these changes brought to the forefront some financial issues I quite obviously need to look at within me.  The saying "If you want what you have always had, then do what you have always done"  is my jumping point.  Time to acknowledge my past financial beliefs and doings and make some changes.  it is high time and ripe for the growing of new avenues.  Funny how going a week without food filling the cupboard and fridge to keep everyone satisfied can bring up some areas needing healing. 

Now I sit in my happy little office, which for now is still and absent of the beautiful spirits I am fortunate enough to work with on their healing.  Networking, planning and advertising is the order of this week.  I must admit, I have lately had to look at the avenue I am on and question if I should continue with my office.  As many questions and doubts as I might have rolling around in my head, I still believe that changing directions would be like taking a wrong turn.  I am doing what I love, regardless of the frequency of the footsteps gracing my space and blessing me with the opportunity to serve and help others.  I refuse to believe that I have been thrust onto this particular journey to
walk away.  So from this day forward I jump on my sailing ship, raise the sails high and commit to seeing where the wind leads me as I adjust the sails to grab the momentum.  I need to remember always that I am here to be a lighthouse; and I cannot consciously turn off that light and close down that which I have been given as a gift to help others navigate the waters safely and clearly.  Maybe this lighthouse simply needs a new Fresnal lense and some brighter bulbs.  Construction is under way.

So today that is my journey and my thought meanderings and it feels ridiculously empowering to pt the words in writing.  I know that largely I write this to myself, but in doing that it is a reminder for me of why I do what I am blessed to do.  Absolutely to help and inspire others, but realizing that few will read it, more so to grab the wind and blow life into my own sails.  Blessings and love are sent to those who's eyes grace this page.  Remember Dear Ones.  YOU are enough, and there are people out there who genuinely care.  You are never alone.  <3

There is Irony on the journey

Just when you feel everything is aligned and you are well on your way to everything you work towards, the Universe at times conspires to remind you where you haven't quite cleared the dirt in the walkway.  Bam the monsoon hits and washes all kinds of old energies into the path and very rapidly you can find the mud terribly hard to swim through.  However, there are gifts in every single step.

Perspective is everything and if truly life is about the journey and not the destination, then we must revel in every step.  Not just the easy ones, but the knee deep in the muck-hard as hell ones.  It is our inherent nature to question where we are at and how we got there, but paramount to not get stuck in that process.  How do we avoid that pitfall?  I am still learning :)  One thing I do know that helps is stepping into a neutral place of detached loving observation of what seems to be shredding the fabric of daily life.  How did I end up back in the drink?  Wasn't I doing everything that I was guided to and holding the right positive thoughts?  Have I been grateful enough and helping as many as I could in service to others?  Step to either side of neutral and different things happen almost instantly.  When observing and questioning to the left side of neutral, there is sadness and despair.  To the right resides anger and frustration.  Stepping back in neutral and there resides answers that are non judgmental or mired in emotion.  This, is coming back to Center.  From there the unattached-to-outcome self can see yes or no I have done all those things without judging the self for that answers and see the way to clearly realigning ourselves with who we are and all we can be.  Here only can we observe and and make changes, and more importantly let go of our old story and ways of doing.  We can realize that yes we have done amazing work, but that doesn't mean the job is over.  Here we can put on a new pair of shoes that might fit the muddy path a little better and hold a better grip on the slippery path.  Guess what?  After we are though that we get to pick out a new form of footwear.

yesterday I had my first sound balancing session ( and did one as well).  Fantastic and so insightful.  What I learned was that some of the past experiences I have grown through and mountains I had climbed still left some residue for me to wash away.  Yes I have done the deep digging for certain!  I just left a couple of boxes to open and reorganize.  Phew!  One thing I realized is that I have not been completely in acceptance of help.  Yes I can and do in certain circumstances but not in all ways.  I still carried with me that I can and have to do it all filter, to the degree that reaching out for help in non material ways can still be very difficult for me.  Another thing I found is that I still carry is alot of anger, guilt and shame.  These are some particularly ugly filters that are a little harder to make clear or remove, but I know that I absolutely can and will.  Younger years filled with bullying and insults slung by uncaring hearts welled up and stayed hidden in my energy self, wreaking havoc from behind a mirror I didn't care to look into.  The best part here?  With awareness, inspection and some work, anything can be transformed and made pretty again.  Maybe not right off the shelf-pristine, but uniquely lovely.  A little spit shine is what completes the job begun so long ago. 

Today begins a new journey of discovery and some polishing.  Today I remember that often we need to polish the old silver to make it shine again.  Today I step into some new shoes and some beautiful new wandering through the present moment, letting the old wash away, leaving in its wake, a little more sparkle.  From my perspective, a beautiful gift has been given and accepted.  To stuff it back in the closet would be a shame, so I will place myself in front of the mirror instead of my back turned towards it.  Really, it is a great view.

In all appearances, it seems life has decided to kick my arse and turn everything upside down.  One month ago I was on top of the world.  My business was hopping and growing to the point that I was having to do a lot of juggling just to fit in all the people that were calling.  I had received an offer to rent a house and decided to take it, eliminating the nightmare of this home I have been struggling to keep from falling apart and had endured the court date regarding this place.  I was in a place of positivity, inspiration and passion for life and loving the journey moment by moment. 

At that point things started to spiral.  I had a client and friend begin harassing me and causing a great deal of stress for me and my family, which we got through and I dealt with.  I had successfully navigated a new full heating system for my car and a rental, financially and mentally.  Then it all began snowballing faster than an avalanche racing down a mountain.  Honestly there has been so much i cannot even recall all the little disasters between then and now.  Ahhh, yes, work, that was one.  What began as a peaceful job all of a sudden turned to a hellish nightmare of condescension, rudeness and misery, all wrapped up in the bosses I work for, who tend to treat people worse than cattle who are up for slaughter.  THEN came the car.  Again.  This time 4 tires needing replacing pronto largely thanks to the horrid roads.  Wait....it doesn't end there.  Driving my son to school a week ago a horrid snap happened under my car.  Off to hell work I went after dropping off another son.  When leaving I knew I was in trouble.  Right turns elicited a loud cracking and I made it all the way back across 3 towns without crashing Thank God.  The spring is mangled and nearly off the car, the struts are gone as well as strut boots and mounts and a 100 other things and bazinga, super mobile mom has just been stranded.  That was a week ago.  Since then I have cried, waited for parts (that I am still waiting for) exhausted every ounce of finances as well as those that I haven't even made yet.  I have aggravated work since I had to be off schedule this week and am about to lose some utilities that are extremely necessary.  Oh yes, and lost income because I have been unable to work.  Thrown into the mix is my children who have been sicker this year than all of their years combined thanks to the mold we thought had been eradicated from our basement resulting in a lot of lost school time, doctors appointments and letters from truant officers about that.  My daughter nearly had 2 collapsed lungs thanks to the terrible ER doctor we saw.

So in the interim, I have continued to help those who come to me, keep going and remain positive.  Until this morning.  The car parts which are the most crucial will not be here for another 4 days still and I will not have my car until next Tuesday.  I had to reserve a rental car I cannot in any remote way begin to pay for.  To add to the fun I will not receive a paycheck next week. 

Anyway :)  Onto the digging and lessons.  I wish I could say I have figured them out but I haven't  I know there is a beautiful lesson of growth within this fiasco but I have yet to excavate it, with the exception of getting to stop running 200+ miles a day.  I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I did through my whole divorce. 

The lesson?  Never ever give up.  Stay positive, believe in miracles and keep trying.  Any more than that I am still seeking the answers to.  Should I have NOT agreed to the rental house?  Given up the business to work more hours at a thankless job where I am treated like a felon?  Should I have not put any money into the car that is failing?   Is it a harsh reminder that I have NO ONE to say, It will be ok I promise....or you have helped so many people let me help you now?  Is it a reminder that My Mom died 14 years ago and my father wrote me and my children off 6 years ago and I have no full time friends I can lean on?   Who knows right now, but I intend to grow through this nightmare.  All I know is I will not only survive.  I WILL thrive.  I always do.  Looking back at this blog I think it would make a hell of a drama series.  The only difference is that I do not intend to allow the drama to continue for ratings and excessive viewing.  My life isn't for sissies.  many would be on medicine after just one month in my life.  I however, will NOT.  Today I will find a way to be an inspiration and the lighthouse I often speak of.  Because within the darkness, a single match can light a room.

sharing a peek into the book in the process...just a peek

Forward

I am not quite certain when or where the ride shifted leading me to this very moment of self- exploration.  All I do know is that it did, and the road to now has been an incredible and at many times, scary journey.  There were noticeable signposts along the way that were immediately recognizable:  my mother and best friend losing her life to Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), my marriage falling apart, a child in crisis, and my home going into foreclosure.  These were the landslides that burned themselves into my consciousness.  And yet, these were not the catalysts to my self discovery.  They were the byproduct of change.  They were the jump in with both feet blindfolded opportunities to growth.  The true catalysts were much more subtle and less recognizable from the vantage point of my limited view, until I began the incredible process of understanding.

Looking back from where I am now, the fog is beginning to life, no longer clouding my view behind a murky haze of awareness.  The veil parts, the curtain opens and the view opens up before me miraculously.  Why now?  Because I am ready for it.  From here I can tell you the view of the horizon is breath-taking. 

Digging Deep is about the journey of self-discovery.  Somewhere in the process we must dig down, exposing the roots that hold us firmly where we are in order to move to another place.  Maybe, just maybe, the place where we are meant to be.  I strongly believe that in order to really understand and heal, we have to take everything back to the root of its growth, back to the moment of its seeding.  Everything happens for a reason.  There are no coincidences.  I believe that with my whole soul.  Many are learning now that even physical ailments and disease have underlying causes and lessons within them.  We can use lotions, potions and pills to alleviate the discomfort and symptoms, but these things do not cure the malady.  They are merely band- aids that make it all manageable.  For a while.  Eventually the Band-Aid falls off, leaving us right back where we started.  We can either replace the Band-Aids or we can heal the wound or the sickness.

If we truly want to heal and grow, we need to put on our archeologist hat and begin to dig in the dirt.  Do you remember digging in the dirt when you were a child?  For me, it was a time of exploration and fun.  The messier the better!  When I played in the dirt, or better yet, the mud, it was exhilarating.  My thoughts wandered to what I would find, how would it feel, and I didn’t care one bit how messy I got doing it!  Where did that childhood excitement for exploration go?  It got buried in the avalanche of life situations and growing up.  Did you ever dig around the exposed roots of a tree or move the dirt with your hands exploring just where they went?  I could sit forever under a tree doing just that.  Little did I know someday I would embark on a similar mission of a more spiritual nature.  Trees and their roots have so much they can teach us if we can only begin to move the dirt from around them, exposing their lessons that lie below the surface of what we perceive as solid ground.

I can’t promise you that it will always be easy or that you won’t bang up your knuckles, here and there.  What I can promise you from personal experience is that it will be worth it.  It will open your eyes to miracles that were previously hidden from view.  I hope you will find something to inspire you within these pages.  Come sit with me under the tree for a while.  Bring your child-like curiosity and some digging tools.  Every journal begins with a single step and every treasure needs to be unearthed and dusted off in order to see its beauty and worth.  Welcome my friends, to discovery. 

On this frigid morning I feel the desire to write and dedicate this to an amazingly beautiful friend of mine, for within her journey there is such profound beauty and insight that I am inspired daily to reach for the stars and become a better me than I was the day before.  Kim, for you lady angel, with gratitude for the incredibly bright light and love you shine forth for others to warm their souls in.    

In our everyday lives we encounter so many people.  All can shine light in our darkened corners if we can step back and look from an different perspective.  Some yes, we need to truly work at not taking things personally and seeing what they bring to our table for learning about ourselves.  Some seemingly only bring negativity and drama, and yet, their is still beautiful lessons wrapped up in those people when we face the feelings and situations they present us within OURSELVES.  And still some blaze into our awareness and lives with a light that shines so brightly that there are times it is nearly blinding.  This morning I write in tribute to one such as this.  

Not so long ago I was blessed with the friendship of this beautiful soul who with her words, shares love and inspiration so completely that I quite literally look forward to her shares for the beauty and encouragement I find there.  Very quickly my soul recognized her as a kindred spirit and earth Angel who came to shine her light bright for all to see and to be positively affected.  And shine she does.  I speak often of being a lighthouse and what that means in a world where darkness is more readily recognized and embraced.  For me, and from what I have seen, this dear lady is one of the grandest brightest lighthouses I have had the pleasure of guiding me past rocky shores.

Something that occurred last night made me very sad.  Someone, upset this beacon of light with admonishments of continuing her present course in a sense, holds her back, when in fact it does exactly the opposite, propels her forward! My first thought was to encourage her as much as I could and still give the other person the benefit of trying to help.  I am not certain my wording conveyed my thoughts as well as they could have in a rush to run to her side in support and that has haunted me all night.  Now my thoughts go not only to wanting to shine an equal light on her amazing growth equal to that which she has done for mine, but I also sit and contemplate the need of some to negate other's growth with words and thoughts not carefully chosen.  Oh I know the mechanics and the reasons, hell I TEACH it!  still, it saddens my heart so deeply when I see it happening and am ineffectual in being able to smooth the journey for those who are doing the work to grow, change and share their story so others may benefit.  

Oh dear people, please give thought to your words and how they may hurt others.  Before you speak, examine your motive in the words you hang on another's soul.  There is enough negativity in this world and it is beyond time to look within instead of projecting outward.  The thoughts you share carry energy and weight.  Often times they are heavier than lead blocks.  Everyone is on their own journey, bares their own cross so to speak, and many that some carry would bring the average person to their knees.  

My heart is heavy and I hope deeply that these words can convey how profoundly this lady has affected me and convey my gratitude for her journey and brave sharing of her truth.  So dear lady to you I wish to say, do not let anyone rain their personal negativity on your beautiful soul and the light you share so freely and lovingly.  You are true to yourself and no one has the right to purge their personal stories on your heart.  You INSPIRE ME.  For that there are no words that even come close to expressing what that means to me in a world where I have struggled my whole life, only to grow to a seemingly parallel path in so many ways over the past 2 years.  I am blessed to call you friend.  Be true to you and what other people think is their issue not yours.  And I promise to stand by you and unconditional support and love you along your journey.  It is all I can give, and I give it freely.    You see, your light shines blindingly on me, illumining my path merely by you shining light on yours.  You are a teacher and a sage and for you, I am thankful.  

I sit here alone this evening.  Alone with my leftovers, alone with my furry friends, and alone with my thoughts.  The children are off with their Dad, Ian has gone home or rather to work then home and David is visiting with his girlfriend for awhile.  In the past 2 days so much has been rolling through my mind and heart and well, I think it is time to put it into words :)

During our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, I felt like I was transported to a place of wonder.  As I looked around my table, everyone eating occasionally in silence and at other times chattering happily, a deep warmth embraced my soul.  I looked one by one at all the beautiful faces around my table, taking in everything about them.  I Love watching them enjoy the food and the look of contentment on their faces...each and everyone of them, nearly brought me to tears.  It felt so good.  It is a feeling I would wrap and hand to them all every day of their life if I was able.  I was filled with so much love for them all that I found it hard to breathe, like my chest was already way too full of love and happiness to take in any air.

Today as I drove to take the kids to meet their father, I kept looking at the houses celebrating Thanksgiving as a family with lots of cars in the yards.  There are times that my heart is so sad that I am unable to give that same gift to my children.  Oh occasionally we have family visit and it is wonderful, but what I am talking about is what I grew up with, and that others have....the gift of a large families that celebrate this days together and live near each other.  My memories take me to my younger years, when my grandparent's children's families all converged in their trailer for Sunday dinner's and for holiday dinners.  The sight of long tables lined end to end loaded with food and smiling faces of all those I love was the highlight of my childhood.  The smell of fresh baked goodies and the sound of talking and laughter filled the air.  To say those were my favorite times growing up is a major understatement.  After family dinners everyone gathered in the living room as my aunts and Uncles got out their guitars and we all sang all our favorite songs. I never felt alone or unloved or valued.  Not once.  EVER.

I always dreamed of raising my children with that same beautiful gift, but life as it often does, alters dreams sometimes.  That doesn't mean that they are any less beautiful, just that they are different than the moving picture I had in my mind of what family would be like for them.  Instead of family gatherings being surrounded by visiting branches of the tree, largely it is the children and I.  I have no complaints but today it saddened me that they will never know what that was like.  We have surrendered many very special people to the Angel Realm and even those who are still present have removed themselves from our lives.  Further thought brought me to the difficult (but ridiculously rewarding) task of raising 4 children mostly solo.  It saddens me that they are not surrounded and treasured by their grandparents (some here some not) and that when times are tough there is no back up.  And yet, there are VERY few things I would trade of my years with my children.

I am so thankful, not just today, but everyday.  Today I share my gratitude list and if I could stand at the top of the mountains and yell these things for the world to hear, I would.  I am thankful for:

David, Nathalie, Michael and Robert Rossignol.  You are truly the brightest beacons in my life.  I am proud of you all for the amazing people you are.  I am thankful that I still have a home when many do not, food when many are starving, and heat when too many are cold.

For family that I DO still have even though I see them very little, and for the ones who DIDN'T walk away.  For those we have loved and lost:  Momma, Mike, Robert, Grammy, Grampy, Nannan, Bampa, Jeannette.  WE carry you with us with every beat of our hearts.

For friends who I may not get to see too often but who are there when I need a boost.

For the beautiful gift of connecting with Spirit and helping others in different ways.  For the beautiful angels I have worked with, some still living, others not.  They have each and every one inspired me and given me gifts they never even realized.

For reconnecting with Aunt Patti, Uncle Buzzy and Aunt Kathy and Lisa who I have missed immeasurably over the years.

I am thankful for the beautiful friends I have made who I haven't met in person yet but would in a heartbeat.  The beauty they share so selflessly with me swells my heart.

I am thankful, for life.  Everyday, even when the waves roll and topple me and nearly extinguish the flame that burns inside of me, because it means I am still alive and blessed with new beginnings and opportunities to grow, learn and love.  If you are reading this (even if you aren't), know that I am grateful for you.

Life is good.  It hasn't always been fair or especially kind to me but I LOVE it and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything....ever.

fully ready to jump ship ,,,,and soar

My story is by no means unique.  So many travel this road and I know in writing about my journey and learning I have the opportunity to learn and maybe shine a light in a dark place other's are walking in.  Atleast that is my dream.

I am in a place right now where I am ready to hand it all over to someone way more experienced and qualified.  In no way do I mean this negatively.  Oh no exactly the opposite!  But before I or anyone can do that we must reach a place of being done...done with the struggle, done with trying to make it work and figure it all out.  A virtual leaping point or diving board is where I stand, toes hanging over the edge, taking deep breaths and releasing the fear of the leap.

With that in mind, I do not share this leg of my journey for sympathy or pity.  I share it as a lesson in letting go of what no longer serves us and that I can ....YOU CAN, change the course and find softer footing.

Where I arrived at this afternoon is a place of being unwilling to settle any longer...not for one more second!  No longer will I accept or settle for living in a place that at some point will be yanked out from under me, or robbing Peter to pay Paul.  No longer do I accept that I have been in this financial hell because I am supposed to be and believing that is just something I have to "deal with."  I am no longer willing to walk with my chin to my chest in resigned disgrace at having to walk into the grocery store with $10 to buy a bag of potatoes and a bottle of laundry detergent to feed my family and wash towels for them to use. NOR am I willing to look at other's full shopping carts and wish I was able to fill mine full well knowing that I cannot.  I will no longer believe that I am unworthy of financial security or that I somehow don't deserve to make a living doing what I love and am meant to do instead of working 3 jobs just to barely pay the bills and put food on the table exhausted and stressed every evening.

Within the larger picture as the realizations and thoughts hit me, is that It is my Divine right to have my needs provided for without worrying, stressing, crying, panicking and continually going without and sacrificing.

What I am WILLING to do is release believing that this is just my lot in life, that I have always done it so it's no big deal.  I am willing to change my core beliefs and along with them how I respond to these situations.  I can choose to release it to the Universe and know that I will be brought exactly what is right for me, that will provide the peace I need to continue to focus on service and helping other's learn these lessons too in their own journeys.  Today.....I let go.  I am done feeling this way and I embrace the gift of handing it all over to my Higher Power, without resistance and expectation of the outcome or needing to know the way it will be changed.

How many are now so ready to let go of all the things that they believe or suffer through and instead, believe they are here for joy, peace and far greater things?  For me I know the answer, for others I ask....are you ready?  REALLY REALLY READY?  Time to truly let go of what no longer is serving us my friends, no matter what those "things" may be.  I offer my hand to you to hold as you let it go and dance forward.  <3