I sit here alone this evening.  Alone with my leftovers, alone with my furry friends, and alone with my thoughts.  The children are off with their Dad, Ian has gone home or rather to work then home and David is visiting with his girlfriend for awhile.  In the past 2 days so much has been rolling through my mind and heart and well, I think it is time to put it into words :)

During our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, I felt like I was transported to a place of wonder.  As I looked around my table, everyone eating occasionally in silence and at other times chattering happily, a deep warmth embraced my soul.  I looked one by one at all the beautiful faces around my table, taking in everything about them.  I Love watching them enjoy the food and the look of contentment on their faces...each and everyone of them, nearly brought me to tears.  It felt so good.  It is a feeling I would wrap and hand to them all every day of their life if I was able.  I was filled with so much love for them all that I found it hard to breathe, like my chest was already way too full of love and happiness to take in any air.

Today as I drove to take the kids to meet their father, I kept looking at the houses celebrating Thanksgiving as a family with lots of cars in the yards.  There are times that my heart is so sad that I am unable to give that same gift to my children.  Oh occasionally we have family visit and it is wonderful, but what I am talking about is what I grew up with, and that others have....the gift of a large families that celebrate this days together and live near each other.  My memories take me to my younger years, when my grandparent's children's families all converged in their trailer for Sunday dinner's and for holiday dinners.  The sight of long tables lined end to end loaded with food and smiling faces of all those I love was the highlight of my childhood.  The smell of fresh baked goodies and the sound of talking and laughter filled the air.  To say those were my favorite times growing up is a major understatement.  After family dinners everyone gathered in the living room as my aunts and Uncles got out their guitars and we all sang all our favorite songs. I never felt alone or unloved or valued.  Not once.  EVER.

I always dreamed of raising my children with that same beautiful gift, but life as it often does, alters dreams sometimes.  That doesn't mean that they are any less beautiful, just that they are different than the moving picture I had in my mind of what family would be like for them.  Instead of family gatherings being surrounded by visiting branches of the tree, largely it is the children and I.  I have no complaints but today it saddened me that they will never know what that was like.  We have surrendered many very special people to the Angel Realm and even those who are still present have removed themselves from our lives.  Further thought brought me to the difficult (but ridiculously rewarding) task of raising 4 children mostly solo.  It saddens me that they are not surrounded and treasured by their grandparents (some here some not) and that when times are tough there is no back up.  And yet, there are VERY few things I would trade of my years with my children.

I am so thankful, not just today, but everyday.  Today I share my gratitude list and if I could stand at the top of the mountains and yell these things for the world to hear, I would.  I am thankful for:

David, Nathalie, Michael and Robert Rossignol.  You are truly the brightest beacons in my life.  I am proud of you all for the amazing people you are.  I am thankful that I still have a home when many do not, food when many are starving, and heat when too many are cold.

For family that I DO still have even though I see them very little, and for the ones who DIDN'T walk away.  For those we have loved and lost:  Momma, Mike, Robert, Grammy, Grampy, Nannan, Bampa, Jeannette.  WE carry you with us with every beat of our hearts.

For friends who I may not get to see too often but who are there when I need a boost.

For the beautiful gift of connecting with Spirit and helping others in different ways.  For the beautiful angels I have worked with, some still living, others not.  They have each and every one inspired me and given me gifts they never even realized.

For reconnecting with Aunt Patti, Uncle Buzzy and Aunt Kathy and Lisa who I have missed immeasurably over the years.

I am thankful for the beautiful friends I have made who I haven't met in person yet but would in a heartbeat.  The beauty they share so selflessly with me swells my heart.

I am thankful, for life.  Everyday, even when the waves roll and topple me and nearly extinguish the flame that burns inside of me, because it means I am still alive and blessed with new beginnings and opportunities to grow, learn and love.  If you are reading this (even if you aren't), know that I am grateful for you.

Life is good.  It hasn't always been fair or especially kind to me but I LOVE it and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything....ever.

fully ready to jump ship ,,,,and soar

My story is by no means unique.  So many travel this road and I know in writing about my journey and learning I have the opportunity to learn and maybe shine a light in a dark place other's are walking in.  Atleast that is my dream.

I am in a place right now where I am ready to hand it all over to someone way more experienced and qualified.  In no way do I mean this negatively.  Oh no exactly the opposite!  But before I or anyone can do that we must reach a place of being done...done with the struggle, done with trying to make it work and figure it all out.  A virtual leaping point or diving board is where I stand, toes hanging over the edge, taking deep breaths and releasing the fear of the leap.

With that in mind, I do not share this leg of my journey for sympathy or pity.  I share it as a lesson in letting go of what no longer serves us and that I can ....YOU CAN, change the course and find softer footing.

Where I arrived at this afternoon is a place of being unwilling to settle any longer...not for one more second!  No longer will I accept or settle for living in a place that at some point will be yanked out from under me, or robbing Peter to pay Paul.  No longer do I accept that I have been in this financial hell because I am supposed to be and believing that is just something I have to "deal with."  I am no longer willing to walk with my chin to my chest in resigned disgrace at having to walk into the grocery store with $10 to buy a bag of potatoes and a bottle of laundry detergent to feed my family and wash towels for them to use. NOR am I willing to look at other's full shopping carts and wish I was able to fill mine full well knowing that I cannot.  I will no longer believe that I am unworthy of financial security or that I somehow don't deserve to make a living doing what I love and am meant to do instead of working 3 jobs just to barely pay the bills and put food on the table exhausted and stressed every evening.

Within the larger picture as the realizations and thoughts hit me, is that It is my Divine right to have my needs provided for without worrying, stressing, crying, panicking and continually going without and sacrificing.

What I am WILLING to do is release believing that this is just my lot in life, that I have always done it so it's no big deal.  I am willing to change my core beliefs and along with them how I respond to these situations.  I can choose to release it to the Universe and know that I will be brought exactly what is right for me, that will provide the peace I need to continue to focus on service and helping other's learn these lessons too in their own journeys.  Today.....I let go.  I am done feeling this way and I embrace the gift of handing it all over to my Higher Power, without resistance and expectation of the outcome or needing to know the way it will be changed.

How many are now so ready to let go of all the things that they believe or suffer through and instead, believe they are here for joy, peace and far greater things?  For me I know the answer, for others I ask....are you ready?  REALLY REALLY READY?  Time to truly let go of what no longer is serving us my friends, no matter what those "things" may be.  I offer my hand to you to hold as you let it go and dance forward.  <3

Autumn whisperings

Crisp autumn mornings
Cold starry nights
trees paint the landscape
with breath-taking sights

Nature takes a  deep breath
there's a whisper on the breeze
bask in the beauty
before winter's heavy freeze

Walk in the sunshine
breathe in the air
there's nothing quite like
the fragrant autumn air.

Feeling nature's cold fingers this morning as I went about my morning brought a bittersweet feeling that washed over my spirit and reminded me to take in each sight....each quickly changing leaf.  Vermont in the fall brings to mind the smell of fallen leaves, cool air and warm sunshine.  This time of year always paints a miraculous scene in my minds eye as well as my physical view.  What beauty and inspiration nature brings us.  Sweetness comes in waves of color and the coolness of the wind, shortly followed by the bitter feel of winter's icy fingers.  I am reminded that every season is a gift and has beauty and wonder, even when a particular season is greeted with dread.  For me, winter is that harbinger of nature.  I don't like it and I don't pretend to.  I have said it a million times and will most likely say it a million more:  I love fall but hate what comes next.  I was born in the winter and one would think that would mean I would enjoy it more.  that is not the case, but what I do enjoy is the smell of autumn.  There is nothing like it for me and no words I can use to accurately describe it.  There is a crispness to it and for me it not only fills my senses but creates paintings in my mind of change.  Autumn is a time of year like no other.  Nature begins to slow her breath and heartbeat in preparation for Her long winter's slumber.  It is a time of "rearranging Her winter closet and wardrobe," just as we physically do.  The smell of woodsmoke begins to permeate the air as we begin to hunker down for what comes next, and out of the kitchen comes the smell of comfort foods like Stews and fall baking. 

Soon the smoke from the chimneys will snake across the sky and the leaves willfall to the ground, leaving the closet bare.  But for right NOW,  I will breathe in the aroma and sights surrounding me and let the colors of Earth's tapestry emblazen my soul.

Some days are easier than others.....This may not be one of them.

After awaking at 3:53 and laying there with my mind racing and ending up crying from frustration and mental exhaustion I decided to just get up.  Now, the thing is that I was so excited last night knowing I would once again get a peaceful restful night's sleep because I had backup here and would not need to worry for once.  I needed it.  I didn't get it.  Too many things up in the air and needing figuring out or intervention....too many worries and stresses.  So up I am and decided to write.

This is one of those instances where it all builds up and releases like a damn bursting open and flooding a whole town.  Eventually it has to and my eventually is apparently this morning.  The water first swells up behind the dam walls, then begins to wash over it as the water level rises, cracks begin to snake along the damn wall and then with a mighty roar the whole dam crumbles and the watery torment rages forward.  Yup that describes how it all began this morning and still....I feel like I am only half way in that scenario..I cried some but I am still trying to plug the holes in the damn with my fingers and toes as it tries to pour out a different location than I can possible plug.  Why am I fighting it and turning the faucet off?  Because I don't want to lost it completely and end up with my face looking like a bloated tomato for the whole world to see today.  I know it's not  GREAT reason but it's what I've got.

This is exactly why I am writing my book you see.  If everything I go through, or have gone through can help even one person to turn it around, or atleast find a fresher perpective then I would be so amazingly happy.  It is when you honestly pray for no one else to experience your experiences, or fall under the avalanche that you can most affect a shift on others I believe.  How can you teach, help, or understand something if you haven't truly witnessed it first hand, up close and way too personally?  I don't think you can.  Can I help someone see the light at the end of the tunnel in a situation similar to :someone you care about severely depressed and hurting, home and finance up in the air or in the crapper, job not working out and actually causing way MORE Stress than it is helping, having less than ZERO help and family around and going it completely alone and a thousand other things added on top of that that I won't even write about?  Dear God I hope so.  I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.  And knowing how far i HAVE come certainly keeps me moving forward.   

Well my alarm will be going off in 6 minutes, and since I didn't alert it to the fact that it was not needed this morning I will go turn it off so it doesn't wake me up some company before they need to get up.  I don't think my youngest Angel would much appreciate the early morning bugle call.  Blessed day dear Ones, my thoughts and prayers are with you as I pick through this maze one day at a time and seek to grow and share that with others <3

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm tired today.  Really really tired today.  The road has been pretty rocky and rough for awhile now and I am feeling a bit worn out.  The struts are shot and the shocks are gone and I am pushing on the brakes but they just go to the floor.  But it's ok, I can't complain.  Within the rough roads I have found some real jewels and beautiful views.  I have made some friends and learned alot...about the journey, the landscape and the weather.

What I really want to say is Thank you.  Nothing more, except maybe the brakes could use a look when you get a chance so maybe I could slow down abit and take in the view here and there without it all whizzing by me.  What I am thankful for is that no matter what potholes I hit I still get to help people and that is a gift.  I know you send some people to intercept my path and I stop whenever I can and share what you've taught me.  I know that I am not alone as I ride along, (oh psssst, my map seems abit outdated and is missing clear lines for me to follow).  Maybe I just need new glasses so i can read it better.  Anyway, the other day a beautiful lady told me she saw an angel hugging me while I was helping another.  Now, I know they are always around me and that is why I have gotten through the washed out roads the way I did, but Thank you for the reminder that there are some who can share what they see with me and give me the assurance that they are still there.  It is pretty comforting so without asking for anything, I just wanted to say Thank you, and that I know you are near too.  I love you and I am glad you love me enough to let me get lost here and there and hit some bumps.  Pretty incredible really, because I have that fear of getting lost, but I always seem to find my way back onto my path.

Love, Me

Today was an amazing day full of gifts I never expected.  Waking to an amazingly beautiful and perfect late summer day in Vermont should be enough of a treasure;  perfect temperature, scattered white fluffy clouds dancing across the blue sky and a soothing breeze is surely a gift from benevolent nature spirits.  And yet, that was only just the beginning.

Earlier this week I met an amazingly beautiful lady who came to have Reiki with me.  She in and of herself, was a gift.  What a gentle, down to earth soul with a very soft voice that was instantly soothing and made me want to whisper myself.  Her session went incredibly with lots of beautiful Spirit surrounding her.  That alone is always humbling and incredible, but the love they sent to her was something I am not sure I have felt yet in any of my sessions.  It was so complete, unconditional and strong that when I attempted to try and explain the scope of it, nothing could even compare with plain language.  It was overwhelming and repeatedly brought tears to my eyes as the waves of love radiated to her, along with their messages of gratitude for all that she has done selflessly for others.  She deeply enjoyed the reiki and angel cards and I in turn enjoyed...no felt ridiculously blessed to meet and talk with this gentle spirit who sat in my office.

Today I had the pleasure of working on her husband, who is equally beautiful, while she enjoyed the quiet and peace of some meditation time in the room at the same time.  A couple of times she opened her eyes to look around before settling back into gentle repose as the session went on.  Messages came through that touched them deeply and without personally knowing the background, the validations came through one after another.  I felt completely at peace in their company and I am not sure still, who got more out of the sessions.

Before she left, came her gift of love.  She told me that as I was working by her husbands feet, she perceived a large angel standing behind me with his wings wrapped completely around me.  She said this angel radiated such love for me that she could feel feel it and see it and she knew I too was being cared for and looked after.  Instantly I wanted to cry while what I am certain was a huge smile played across my face.  You see,f in her session I had told her that when I work on others and am a channel or all that flows through me, I too get the healing and benefits.  I did not tell her that most often I am so intent on my clients that I rarely perceive those things around myself.  This time was no different.  I was concentrating so hard on the messages I was receiving for her husband and working with him that I never felt or noticed.  What a blessing of love she gave me to share what she saw and felt, one that I would not have known otherwise.  I always know they are near and with me, but to have someone share that with me was so profound that I drove home in tears and gratitude.

Our paths will surely cross again and i truly look forward to that occasion.  Bless you dear Earth Angel, and thank you for your gift.

My firstborn son turns 18

This morning my thoughts wander to past present and future.  My firstborn son turns 18 tomorrow and although I knew it would be an emotional milestone in his and my life, still the depth of it sends ripples through me stronger than my wildest imaginings.  And I have a good imagination, and yet even that could not touch the strength of the emotions that wash over me.

18 years ago (tomorrow at 3:01 am...I still have a few hours of this phase of mom!), a beautiful angel entered my life.  As he was making his entry I saw him coming, felt it with every ounce of my soul.  That moment, at that time, was the single most amazing blessing I ever knew.  He was so beautiful and as I held his little body I was filled with emotions I had never known before.  If I at that point in my life, been able to hear the Heavenly choirs that sang for his birth, I know it would have been the most beautiful sound ever heard.  I am sitting here struggling to even put words to the feelings that wash over me like a giant wave crashing to the shore....unconditional love and pride just to name a couple.

From Tender moments alone together in that first night, staring and memorizing every feature, every touch, every nook and cranny of his little body, my life was irreversibly changed in the most beautiful way.  Little man grew quickly and I have treasured every second of the past 17.99 years.  How amazing the beauty of a child!  As he grew older, by 3 years old I wondered at times who was the parent and who the child.  He seemed to always be wise and beyond his little years.  When we snuggled together on the couch it wasn't just I who pulled him close and wrapped him in my arms, but also he who would place his arm under me and rub my hair and kiss my face.  This little angel touched a place in me I never knew was possible.  Gentleness, wonder, innocence, love and his Mama were his world.  I cannot imagine a more beautiful place to be, and I was blessed with that 4 times.

As he grew, we grew closer.  He was the apple of our eye and his grandmother was his greatest fan and love. My boy thrived and grew...and grew and grew.  I watched as he said his first words, took his first steps, explored his new world with wonder and love in my heart.  Off to school he went as I cried at his growing so fast and I watched in amazement at his little life unfolding rapidly.  Then came the day when the painful began...for him and for me.  Bullying began at the tender age of 5 and continued for years at school.  I ached for his sadness and fought to make things better...make things right and to do all I could to protect his tender, heart.  Through it all he stayed strong and determined.  Fast forward to 5th grade and my beautiful child was begging me to homeschool him
and I yanked him from public school.  You know when your child is struggling, yet the realization hit me harder than a runaway freight train when I began to see with newly opened eyes the level of what he was feeling.  I saw this in the way he began to laugh and smile again, to hold his head up and look people in the eye instead of averting his gaze from anyone and everyone who passed him by.  I watched as he grew and flourished and when our family doctor told me if I had not acted in the way I did, pulling him from school. The chances were that he would have ended up a high school statistic....and I cried.

Now at nearly 18 (yes I cannot even say 18 just yet), I look at him and see the beautiful adult man he is becoming.  Never a difficult child, never anything but a God given blessing.  David my son you are amazing and beautiful.  You have your whole life in front of you and it is a blank canvas to paint on and write your own story.  My boy is at the present, working so hard towards the possibility of a full 4 year lacrosse scholarship at the University of North Carolina....his dream.  He has gone from 1 of 18 to 1 of 5 and we await his last scout visit in the coming weeks and a decision on who will be chosen.  He wants it so badly, and I want it so badly for him.  No matter what you do, where you go Son, I want you to know how deeply proud of you I am and how deeply I love you.  I also want you to know that these words do not even begin to explain these feelings since there really are no words accurate to describe them.

These things I want you to know...from my heart and soul to yours:

Always believe in yourself and your ability to do anything you dream of.  Be gentle with yourself and love yourself first.  Everything begins in that place, with you.  Some will not understand, will not support your dreams.  That is ok...let them.  They and their thoughts have no bearing on the amazing person you are or the amazing things you will do in your life.  Live it for YOU first.  The rest will follow.  No one can make you happy....you are the only one who can do that.  Be understanding of others and their journey to live their lives the best way they know how.  It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it.  Life is a miraculous gift my son.  Open yourself to the learning and endless possibilities.  Never hold back telling people you love them, even when they do not seem to care or want to hear it.  You are a blessing to this world you live in and will inspire others as you have inspired me every second of my life since you blessed it.  Be strong but never be afraid to show your tender side.  Give people second chances.  Write your own story and never ever let anyone write it for you.  Forgive people for the hurt they cause your heart; not because their actions are ok in anyway, but because in not forgiving, the only person who is held prisoner is you.  When you think you have failed...try again...and again and again and again.  Hold your head high and never ever look down.  Remember family, even when it is hard to see or feel, is the glue that can hold you together when you feel you are falling apart.  Know that I will always and in all ways, support you and love you enough even for those times when you find it hard to love yourself.

Today, as I wrote about recently, I shake up my snow globe of memories, watching each one swirl around me from the past 18 years.  Tomorrow, this phase of being mommie, changes to a new phase of Mom. Tomorrow morning I begin a new snowglobe of memories, building it snowflake by snowflake and I look forward to it with love and excitement.  It isn't gone, it is just switching gears.  I believe in you, I always have.  I love you my Son.  With every breath and beat of my heart....I love you and will always be here when you need me.