Letting go of Resistance

Lazy Sunday finds me here with my thoughts, wandering through the back roads of my mind and awareness without a tangible road map.  These are the times when we can let ourselves just explore and wander; taking in all the sights and the pathways that we are drawn to following.  There is the saying, All who wander are not lost.  In this case I know this landscape well.  Perhaps a little TOO well.  It is time to get intimate with it and let myself be aware of all the subtle twists and turns that I pass on a daily basis without a second glance, you know, because I know it so well.  ;)

The street I find myself on is called Resistance.  It runs parallel to Acceptance St. and in between a small side street called transition way.  I can see where I go back and forth down transition way and I recognize that I spend alot of time on Acceptance St.  What is coming to my awareness as I look around, is that I still own some property on Resistance St.  Sure, it is up for sale, ready to be redeveloped into a new bigger and better place but I know that I have some attachments to it to shed before the transfer happens. 

To me this is a great visual as I embark on a new journey to freedom and peace.  I have recently become aware of where I apply resistance liberally in my life.  I am a person of extremes.  There is little middle of the road for me.  I am either way over here, or wayyyyyyyyyyy over there, just s speck on the map from where I just was.  Emotionally, mentally, physically extreme.  Yup that's me!  My life is never ever dull or boring for certain!  However, with age comes wisdom, and the extremes are getting tiring, so I am beginning a new phase of cleaning house.

What we resist persists.  Boy has that become a strong pitcher to the head recently.  I can now see when I am in resistance clearly and recognize it.  When my thinking brain decides that which is occurring (or not occurring!) is not to my liking, and the trees and boulders plop into my path, my nature is to blast them, cling them and attempt to shove them out of my way.  But Kim!  Maybe they are there for a reason!  Yea yea, I know that one and I give that advice on a daily basis.  HERE is part of the work I came to do in this lifetime.  HERE is the growth I planned before I got here.  HERE is where it scares the crap out of me!  I can admit that now.  Having the tendency to not budge from my goals and the picture of how I think the outcome should look I have limited myself to the point of being stagnant in some areas of my life.  Well if something doesn't work for you, try something new right?  This is the X on the map I am standing on right now. 

I fully plan on taking out my little GPS and setting a new course.  It is high time, to release resistance in all forms, trusting that the only way out is through. 

For today though, my only goal is to observe where I resist the flow of life, to get out my GPS, dust it off, charge it up and turn it on.  Dialing in my new address:  Acceptance St. and I have chosen which route I will take.....and it is called The Path of Least Resistance.

Maybe this will help someone else discover where resisting has become an adversary instead of a traveling friend.  You are welcome to hop in the passenger seat, buckle up and come along for the ride.  There is adventure and exploration on the horizon.  I welcome the company, and someone to help read the map.

Sometimes we just have to RE-Learn how to Breathe

There will be times when storms rage around us, blowing like a Gale wind and washing rogue waves across the bows of our serenity.  When the winds burst forth it is natural to hold our breath, waiting until things calm in order to draw that breath again and receive life giving oxygen.  It is natural to brace ourselves against the coming storm as it attempts to sweep us from the safe decking of our living ship.  But it is not natural to stop breathing.  There will be times when we have to remind ourselves to breathe.  In the chaotic times, it is paramount to re-learn to breathe, possibly in a whole new way than we learned from birth.

What gives us breath?  Well, life and creation begins with the breath.  But look deeper than the obvious.  Under that which hides from our awareness and happens without conscious thought MOST of the time, we must find our own wind and what breathes into our lungs the sustaining winds of our motivation.  For me my breath comes in peaceful moments, inspiration and complete unconditional love.  My breathing is effortless and flawless in giving kindness, love and compassion.  Chaos is not my inherent gift, nor do I think it is for anyone.  But breathing.....is.  It is our gift of creation and life, and yet, we choose to hold it and deny it without giving it any thought.  No one does it to us, we deny ourselves.  Yes other can impress chaos into our awareness, but they cannot take our breath and peace unless we give them permission.

Things to ponder can be "what takes my breath away?"  I don't mean a strong wind, or having the physical wind knocked out of us, what I mean is what situations and circumstances take our breath away?  Is it the loss of a loved one?  Losing our security and safety?  A job?  A sudden shocking situation?  It will be different for everyone and it is personal.  In allowing those things to steal our breath, we give power away to people and situations who have no right to own it and control it for us.  At some point without thinking about it, we give ourselves permission to hold back the pure freedom of breathing.  Sometimes we just need to Re-learn how to breathe with purpose.

To do that we can think about what gives us life, inspiration and joy and then lovingly give ourselves those ultimate gifts.  No one can do it for us.  We have to take responsibility for self sustaining our own life breath.  It is symbolic Dear friends, and yet it is very physically real at the same time.  It is food for thought and something to ponder when life gets difficult and we hold our breath.  Take a deep breath and let your body express just how amazing that feels.  take time to give it time to thank you for that beautiful treasure.   Allow yourself the blessing to breathe in deeply then blow it out.  Sometimes, with the bursting forth of that which we have held for so long, it releases and bursts forth from us with scream...of joy, anguish, relief, sadness or anger.  But after the lungs and soul are emptied completely, the in breath is magical and uplifting. 

Find your breath and treasure it, whatever that means for you.  Give yourself the gift. You matter, you are enough and you are worth it.

A Little Wisdom from the Trees

As I sat outside with the gentle spring wind blowing, my attention gradually drifted to the trees.  Mesmerized, I watched them sway gently, arms dancing to the breath of Mother Nature.  Wind gusts blew harder here and there, causing the trees to readjust their sails and sway in response to the wind.  Nature is truly majestic,  Breath-taking and life giving.  And the trees, oh those beautiful trees speak to my soul of ancient wisdom stored through the ages for any who will watch and listen.

Dear Child, listen closely to the secrets that we share.  We offer them freely and lovingly to all who may search.  We are strong and yet we must remain flexible.  There are times that we dance in the sunlight, rain and the wind.  Never missing a beat of Mother Earth's pulse.  At times we stand tall and unmoving.  Other times we gently bend and sway as the winds of change begin to blow.  Then there are times, when the winds howl and the storm rages pummeling us and causing great waves of tension within us.  These My dear, are the times when we must rely on our roots for strength and support.  Our brethren are helpless to reach out and support us when windmaker pushes us to our limits.  We must believe in what we know and that all is as it should be and will support us.  We may bow down for a time, only to bounce back to our stately height.  We are able to do this because we are supported and we know of our gentle strength and believe in it. WE know no other way.  Ahhh yes dear One, we hear your thoughts.  Yes there are times when we are subjected to a force so strong, that we snap and fall with a mighty crash to the ground that awaits below.  Even then in snapping and breaking, when we have fallen and sighed our seemingly last breath, after a time, we send forth new seeds of growth, only to return again renewed.  This you are also capable of.  Yes little seedling, you can send forth the seeds of growth no matter your position on the ground that holds you or quakes under you.  Remember, that the pine cone gives thanks to the forest fire as it bursts open and reseeds itself.

So too can we bend and sway, renew and send forth seeds after the ravaging storm.  So too can we sprout and grow into a beautiful new tree, to dance in the breeze again.

My thoughts as my son prepares to travel across the world

March 25, 2014

David  my amazing son,

Tomorrow you take your first huge trip half way across our world and I want you to know I am so very excited for you.  This is going to be an experience like no other for you and I really just want to tell you how very happy and excited I am for you, and also thoughts that have been rolling through my mind today.  Things I just want you to know and carry with you.

I want you to know just how deeply I support you and your dreams.  How incredibly amazing you are.  You are so very responsible for young man your age, more responsible than most adults I know.  You are insanely funny, so very bright and intelligent, (even though you question that you are), caring, giving and a ridiculously hard worker.  Your dedication to your responsibilities and to your dreams (not to mention your family) is inspiring and beautiful.

 

I want you to know that even though this particular dream does scare me a little as your Mom, and even though it is a difficult experience watching my son face opponents that could, let’s be honest; beat you pretty intensely, there Is no way in hell I will not be there for all I can… cheering you on, supporting you and witnessing your climb with pride and love.  I could no more stay home and not be there than stop my own breathing.  

Today so many things flashed through my mind, nearly 20 years of memories as I just sat and watched you asleep on the couch.  Here is the mushy, maybe embarrassing Mom part but I will share it with you anyway, not because you need or want to hear it but because I need to say it.  When you lay sleeping on the couch, curled up peacefully, Instead of seeing the 6’ grown man who graduated high school, works and is about to venture off into the world.  What I saw instead, is the 6lb13 oz little miracle that danced into my life and changed my whole world with your first breath.  I saw the 3 year old huge blue eyes boy curled up next to me on the couch cuddling with me, “snuggling” my hair.  I remembered your innocent smile and laughter, filling our home and my heart so full that I thought it would explode.  I remember the little man who welcomed his sister and brothers with open arms, never once asking me to give them back, and instead loved them and helped take care of them.  I saw the young boy, tormented for years by bullies who not only hurt you but your heart and soul.  Wrapped up in the man before me I saw your strength and determination to not only not hurt anyone, but also stand strong and defend yourself and your siblings with fire and pride beyond your years.  I Heard all the times you said I love you Mommie, the times you got angry with me and life in general.  I saw the young man that proudly fought for his original dream to play lacrosse and had that dream dashed to pieces with a broken heart, only to take a deep breath and dream again. 

I want you to know, now and for the rest of your life that you are perfect the way you are.  That you are ENOUGH.  Whatever enough can mean.  That I am not in any way trying to or have ever tried to hold you back or be over protective….just that I love you so deeply that I have done my best to guide you and protect you in the ways that I CAN.  Sadly I haven’t always done the best at it my son but I have tried my hardest with the very best that I knew at the time.  No matter how old you get, moms will forever worry about their kids.  That is just the way of it and even when it gets frustrating and you think I am being too cautious, I hope you can understand that I was gifted with the blessing of being your mom and that will never change no matter how old and independent you get.

Others will not get it or understand your choices.  Too bad for them, they don’t have to.  Your self worth is not tied to anything anyone will ever think of you and it never was.  Don’t ever seek to prove anything to anyone but yourself.  Let that be enough. 

When you come back from this wonderful journey you will be changed in a beautiful way.  I have no doubt that the man I see walk off the airplane will somehow look years older to me, stronger, wiser and more beautiful.  You will come back with life experience, strength, determination and fire, and ready to take on the world.  And when you do take on the world?  I will remain your biggest fan and supporter.  It does not matter to me whether you win or lose your fights.  To me you have already won them all.  

I want you to know, that I could not be more proud of you than I am and that I will miss you so deeply, even as excited as I am for you.  I will miss your laughter and whacky sense of humor while you are gone.  I will miss everything about you.  And I hope you will be patient with me when you walk off the plane that brings you back home and all I want to do is hug you and welcome you back home.  I know it sounds silly, but yup I am going to cry when you leave.  But it isn’t because I don’t want you to go, it is only that my heart is so full of love and pride that it needs to spill out of me somehow so it doesn’t explode. 

Most of all I want you to have fun, enjoy this because you have worked so hard to make it happen and because you deserve your dream, as much if not more than anyone I know.  And the biggest thing I want you to know and carry with you, is how very much I love you.  Every second of every day.  I cannot wait to see how brightly you shine.  Take the world by storm my son.  We are all better people because of the light you shine into our lives.

PS.  Call your mother and let her know you get their safely!   :D

Gratitude and Appreciation

Winter's icy fingers are once again tightening their grip on my little wooded home.  Standing outside while Charlotte burrowed in the snow, I could hear the trees cracking and groaning, trying to be flexible through the chill of Windmaker's icy breath.  I swear I could hear nature shiver and moan.  The cold and weather has been relentless.  Not so much the several feet of snow that was customary through many years of living here in Northern Vermont, but frigid and icy in the swath of winter it has brought us this year.  Driving snow storms sending their white flakes no longer the norm, ice, below normal temperatures and high wind gusts are becoming more common. 

Still, back in the warmth of my little country home, I find I am feeling a considerable amount of gratitude for so many things.  Things that often get taken for granted or go unnoticed.  The sound of the furnace kicking on bringing warmer temps to my frozen fingers, seeing the satisfied look of contentment of my children who once again have full stomachs, the dogs happily playing in the livingroom while everyone goes about their different activities.  There truly is so much to be grateful for.  Sometimes, you have to look around and remind yourself to see it.  And yes sometimes we have to do a little digging to realize it when storms of chaos once again try to bury us under the waves of happenstance. 

I am thankful for the new friends I have met this year that have brought a kaleidoscope of color to my soul.

For the outpouring of love and appreciation of so many, even when in outward appearance I am the Lone Ranger and my horse is tired and foaming at the mouth from exhaustion, and yet surrounded by hearts willing to share, give and inspire me to keep trudging along.

The sounds of laughter daily of 4 beautiful angels who have chosen me to be their Mom, and quiet conversations where they share their thoughts, hopes, dreams and trials.

That there are still people out there who will stretch out their hands in help when there are times that life seems too heavy to carry just on my shoulders.

That the groaning trees out in my yard have held firm and not given into the wind's might breath and fallen on my home or cars.

Yes I am grateful even for the trials, the difficulty, the upset and tears for they have carved a deeper design in the wood of my soul.  I am stronger and more determined than I have ever been to keep moving forward and to never give up, even though it seems to me that even from a young age, that option was never on the table for me to sample.

I am grateful that even through losing so very many who are dear to me, who now grace the heaven's with their beauty, they still stop by and say hello once in awhile and just let me know that still, they stand near and can hear me.  I appreciate the gifts I have been blessed with and have had further awaken since My beautiful Momma crossed the angel bridge, and I know that she is still teaching me from beyond the veil in ways maybe she was not able to do while she was here.

I am grateful that my kids trust me enough to screw up and work to do better, all the while knowing that I am going to make more mistakes as we go along.  They love me anyway. 

I am grateful even for those who have taught me the harder lessons by the roles they have played in my life.  Without those lessons, I would not be the person I am today.

I am grateful that I know what hunger is so that I can appreciate being full.  That I know frigid cold so I can intensely appreciate and enjoy the beautiful warm sunshine on a clear summer day.  That the ocean is my one true serenity and I would not know that if I did not know the mountains intimately.  I can appreciate that life can be miraculous because I have known sorrow and the un-miraculous.

Yes Life is good.  I would not trade mine for anything in the whole world.  And in the end, someday, when I draw my last breath and cross the angel bridge, I will be grateful that I have lived my life with arms and heart wide open.  For now, I will keep finding my gratitude everyday.  In digging through the rubble, I have found some fascinating diamonds and pearls. 

yes, Life my friends, is good.  And grateful will always be enough.

Out with the old and in witht he New....Year. Writing from my soul

OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW

 

In reflecting on 2013, there have been so many things that have happened within the moments of this year.  Some good, some AMAZING, some very difficult and some near crippling.  Through them all, I stand braced against the winds of change.  There have been times I have held my face with eyes closed to the wind, relishing the feel of the winds of change on my skin.  There have been others where the wind was almost too much to brace myself against and as the sands of time pelted my skin, I flinched for moments at a time with held breath, praying for it to just slow down.  Within each of these scenarios, even when knocked to my knees, I rose up and stood again.

 

There have been many moments in the past year where those first few moments after the onslaught, I stood shaking and had to catch my breath.  I will be honest, the past couple of years have been incredibly difficult.  Through home disasters, mold and extreme sickness, near poverty and a sad heart, children in crisis, battles fought and lost, friends walking away, family squabbles and the resulting blackballing and near annihilation of 5 family members left wondering what the hell happened......I have endured and persevered.  And still, here I stand exhausted and exhilarated at the coming of a new year.

 

There have been equally as many BEAUTIFUL amazing moments within these past 2 years that I am so thankful for.  I opened my own business, did some incredibly rewarding work with so many people I have been blessed with knowing and helped.  I have lost some treasured souls I worked with and have know, stepped into my gifts with a willing and open heart and strived to leave people in a much better place then when they walked in to see me.  I have met some of the most incredible people in person and on social media that have become part of my extended family.  I love each and every one of them!  I have once again taken on homeschooling with my Robert while willingly sacrificing my days of being able to work and make money to support us.  I moved us from a house that was well, quite a nightmare to a new home this year and through it all found my voice and my passion for working with spirit and the healing modalities.  I have given my whole soul to helping others with the lessons I have learned, so that they too can find their power and peace.  I have reconnected with some life long friends and felt such love and acceptance that hordes of ogres with baseball bats could not have beaten the joy out of me,

 

I have laughed until I cried and cried until I either near collapsed or laughed.  I have been gifted in ways by friends with huge hearts and love and support they give so unconditionally and freely. 

 

2013 what a roller coaster ride you have been.  Through it all I finally released my story so I can write a brand new one.  I will remember you in every cell of my body and as the last hours of this year fade on the clock, in one hand I wave the white flag and in the other I wave the multi-colored brush I will use to paint my new landscape.  Farewell to the old year and welcome to the new. 

 

This year I will love more, help more, inspire more, and worry less.  I will  stand strong in my integrity for what I do and stretch myself to be a better mother, friend, family member, and person.

 

To all of you who have touched my soul within the ticking of 2013's clock, I thank you and I love you dearly.  To those who have turned away, I send you off with love and say to you, I wish you love and happiness.

 

Yes, out with the old and in with the new.....and still....I stand.

Nature speaks to the open heart

Northern Vermont living this summer has been quite the ride, with torrential rain, lightening storms and humidity that leaves you gasping to pull a breath into your lungs.  But today, ahhhh today, is the perfect Vermont day.  Upon waking this morning for the first time in a long time, my first thought was that it was actually cold in my house.  This even preceded my usual first thought that comes before the feet hit the floor coming out of bed:  Coffee.

There was a coolness to the air this morning that surprisingly did not inundate my lungs with heavy moisture.  The crystal blue sky seems to go on endlessly like the crystalline expanse of the ocean, dotted with lazily floating clouds which morph into a myriad dance of shapes to ponder.  Hours could be spent lazily watching the sky on summer days like this, without a thought to the clock or anything of the mundane physical world.  As I sit here reveling in the beauty of natures perfection, there is a light breeze kissing my face and caressing my wind chimes into a gentle melody of peacefulness.

Nature is such a rejuvenating presence when we find, no, make the time to embrace her.  Life moves swiftly, yet nature never rushes.  It dances along in its own time and cadence.  As I sit and absorb all its beautiful gifts, my mind wanders to younger days when there was nothing I had to worry about or get done; when all was taken care of for me so that I could just Be.  Memories flit across my mind of lazy days at  Clough State Park, endless hours at Wallis Sands State Beach with my family.  Now THOSE, were the happy days of my youth when all was right in the world.  I am a happy carefree spirit once again as I sit in my nature cathedral, humming John Denver's Sunshine on My Shoulders.  Life my friends, is good.  There is no more to say than that.  Life is good.