This blog has been moved to Wordpress :)

Growing, stretching and changing :)  This blog has been moved and exported to my new one on Wordpress.  Please wander over there and follow along with me, I love having the company.  The new Address is http://mladyhawkvt.wordpress.com/

My new blog name is called WhisperoftheSoul

I look forward to meeting up again, make sure to leave me a comment and let me know what you think.

Blessings and Light
Kim

When it rains, it pours

There are times when not only does the sun hide from view, it rains.  Sometimes it doesn't just rain, it pours.

I am a currently within a monsoon season in my daily life that is leaving me not only soaking wet but shivering from the downpour.  We are looking for a new rental home so that my son can go back into public school not oly so he can be back with his friends he misses so terribly but also so I can work again.  The need for work at this point is the driving force since the Universe is shaking and quaking around my home.  Now down to one car to share I am left without wheels during the day so that my children can get to and from school.  We are in NO way in the position to purchase another car, I cannot get to work without mine and cannot make money if I do not get to work.  Round and round and round we go.

My oldest visited Thailand on a grand journey to embrace his dream of becoming a MMA fighter, where on the third day of training he was kicked and unable to train further.  His trip was amazing and he loved all but that part, wishing he could stay there because he felt like he fit in there.  Fast forward a week or so since he returned to an ER visit and xrays and a broken leg that he continued to walk around on and train with.  Life sure is interesting in this house and it is never dull!

This morning finds us without heating oil and also hot water, $1.50 to my name, rent that is due in 2 weeks scarily missing and a child still home with a fever and possibly strep.  I have said it a million times:  My life isn't for sissies.  I fortunately have come to the understanding that those of us who continually face adversity were very brave souls coming into this lifetime.  We took on huge life lessons and circumstances willingly for grand leaps in soul growth opportunities.  At this rate I guess I must be really learning! 

When I was younger like many others, I wished to be grown up.  What was I thinking?  Luckily The Creator blessed me with a crazy warped sense of humor and it has saved me a thousand times or more so far.  It helps to be crazy and able to laugh in the face of disaster, it really does.  It sure doesn't solve the problems but it sure does bring lightness to the unrelenting chaos that seems to be my life.  Straight out of the movie the Money Pit with Tom Hanks, I resembled the scene where the tub falls through the floor and he stands there laughing until he cannot breathe.  What else can you do right?  I can honestly say if this life of mine was a movie, there would be some serious laughter to be had watching it in the ridiculousness of the barrage of disaster.  If I were sitting with my popcorn watching, I would surely be in tears from laughter at the insanity of how many things can blow up in one person's life in rapid succession.  SO why wait for the movie?  I may as well laugh at the chaotic times I am finding myself in, pull up the big girl panties and hitch them to my ears as I keep going. 

Laugh my friends.  Laugh often and laugh hard.  Find the hilarity that hides within the chaos.  It really does help you to stay standing!

Lean on Me

With so many going through some really rough times and shifts right now,my thoughts today are for all who feel alone or left without someone to lean on.

The current shifts are hitting so many like a run away freight train, leaving us shaking and staggering under the weight of all that we are crawling out from under.  Heavy is the spirit of those who endure one situation after another and yet their strength is profound.  Some came in with what appears to be a golden umbrella and yet we all have our particular lessons we must traverse.  Others seem to be ridden with catastrophe, one piling on top of the other and we are left stumbling and falling, or clawing at the wall to climb back up and keep walking.  No matter where you stand on the wall of life, whether it be soaring high or crawling out of the mud there are some things I want you to know.  They aren't magic words that can make everything better, they are just things that just maybe, will breathe a little light and encouragement into the darkened corners of your soul. 

There are times when even in our strength, that we feel anything but strong.  It is when we judge those feelings that added weight pulls us down into the heavy cloak of life's journey.  There are GOING to be times when we feel our light is nearly out and when we are certain that just one more thing....one more situation will surely topple us from the mountain plunging us into the abyss without a safety rope to pull us out.  Don't you see?  THOSE are the times when your strength is at it's highest.  IT is exactly the opposite of how we feel, but it is the truth!

I want you to know.......

That you are not alone
That someone really, truly cares
That you matter
That as heavy as it is, someone is standing there holding out their hand for you to grab onto
That strength is evident in the one who cries when no one is listening
That NOTHING lasts forever, even the darkness, for the sun eventually peeks over the horizon
That even the ones who smile and hide their pain, need to hear someone is there for them too
The sunshine ALWAYS follows the rain, the rain does not follow the sunshine
You CAN do this
It is ok to say I am not ok today.  We shouldn't need to clarify that statement.  It is ok to be "not ok"
Spirit rushes Nothing.  We are the impatient ones. 
Just breathing is all we can do sometimes.  And it is enough
YOU are enough, and when you feel you aren't, I am here to tell you that you are
Life doesn't suck.  Situations do.  Life is a beautiful gift. 
Sunshine, movement and fresh air can do wonders for a weary soul
You can lean on me. 
There will be times I will need someone to lean on too.
Every one needs to hear It will be ok, Lean on me.

Today let that be your life raft.  Climb on up and catch your breath. 
My life raft is battered and torn right now, but it is still floating and there is room for those who need a rest.
You are welcome to join me.  Hang on tight, we will catch our breath together.

Here's to the challenges that change you.....at your core. Where is your resistance?

Some days are easier than others.  Plain and simple.  And this is one of them for me.  But the pulse underneath the surface of that "easier" is more awareness.  Ahh Perspective.  After my impending full moon slumber last night where my legs were literally running races in my sleep, this morning left me tired but with so much energy I thought I was going to self destruct.  Now I don't run mind you.....ever, I could have run a marathon.  Now when I say I don't run I mean that if I was in need of running for my life, I would make it 20 feet and turn around fiercely and say come and get me (kidding of course....sort of).  The coming full moon and Lunar eclipse was like plugging myself into the high power lines by this morning and once I settled my wiggly, restless self down, some really incredible epiphanies started to roll in.  Now bare with me because we are going to be digging into the resistance garden we cultivate for a while here, oh heck who am I kidding, I am largely talking to myself here but that's ok.  I need the pep talk.  What hit me in thinking release....resistance (yes I can even resist releasing), is that 2 other words which relate directly to resistance for me are control, and manipulation.  Not of people, of situations.  Hey I know what I need and what it should look like!  RIGHT!  I teach this stuff all the time, I sing it to the choir but (whine) it is so much harder to take the advice yourself :)  You all think I have it all figured out?  sometimes yes, sometimes no. 

Here are my google labels, or they should be if you search Kim's closet of blech:  Resistance, control, manipulation (of events to my liking) and procrastination.  RCMP and it doesn't mean Royal Canadian Mounted Police!  What's the point you are trying to make Kim?  Well, for me when I resist, what I battle is controlling situations that NEED to happen in order to propel me forward, manipulating at times HOW they happen then procrastinating on the action steps.  You know that implication that if I ignore it then it isn't happening, isn't real, will go away, (insert saying here)?  Bingo. 

So today with all this energy the moon is pelting me with I decided I need movement.  Symbolic really for me.  I never sit so moving is hardly my issue, but movement in my inner sanctuary.  The issues that scream at ear breaking decibels NO and grab the door frame in order not to go through it.  Hey, I can top any preschooler when it comes to fighting being shoved through a doorway!  I had to reach a place this morning where I could say I am willing to stop fighting and directing things so that the natural order of the Universe can work it's magic.  I obviously need to experience the things I am in order to release them, heal them and move out of their town.  Change is good, (however hard my head tries to refute that belief), but growth is better.  Forgive my rambling thoughts, erratic as they may be.  For me it is the thought process that is bringing it all to light.  Who knows, maybe for my 5 fans/followers, it will bring an aha moment for you too. 

Here it is my friends, when we brace our feet refusing to budge on anything is usually when we get yanked by the Universal Tug-o-war rope landing with our faces firmly planted int he mud pit.  Sometimes you have to loosen your stance, allow yourself to be pulled along by the force that you are opposing so strongly and see if the other side of the mud bath is a warmer freedom.  We never know really, if there has been more fertilizer spread over there and the grass is lush and green and soft to our feet.  Just something to think about.  For me I know that on the other side of the LINE I was fighting not to cross, is empowering and beautiful and finally I think, I am really excited to check it out. 

Letting go of Resistance

Lazy Sunday finds me here with my thoughts, wandering through the back roads of my mind and awareness without a tangible road map.  These are the times when we can let ourselves just explore and wander; taking in all the sights and the pathways that we are drawn to following.  There is the saying, All who wander are not lost.  In this case I know this landscape well.  Perhaps a little TOO well.  It is time to get intimate with it and let myself be aware of all the subtle twists and turns that I pass on a daily basis without a second glance, you know, because I know it so well.  ;)

The street I find myself on is called Resistance.  It runs parallel to Acceptance St. and in between a small side street called transition way.  I can see where I go back and forth down transition way and I recognize that I spend alot of time on Acceptance St.  What is coming to my awareness as I look around, is that I still own some property on Resistance St.  Sure, it is up for sale, ready to be redeveloped into a new bigger and better place but I know that I have some attachments to it to shed before the transfer happens. 

To me this is a great visual as I embark on a new journey to freedom and peace.  I have recently become aware of where I apply resistance liberally in my life.  I am a person of extremes.  There is little middle of the road for me.  I am either way over here, or wayyyyyyyyyyy over there, just s speck on the map from where I just was.  Emotionally, mentally, physically extreme.  Yup that's me!  My life is never ever dull or boring for certain!  However, with age comes wisdom, and the extremes are getting tiring, so I am beginning a new phase of cleaning house.

What we resist persists.  Boy has that become a strong pitcher to the head recently.  I can now see when I am in resistance clearly and recognize it.  When my thinking brain decides that which is occurring (or not occurring!) is not to my liking, and the trees and boulders plop into my path, my nature is to blast them, cling them and attempt to shove them out of my way.  But Kim!  Maybe they are there for a reason!  Yea yea, I know that one and I give that advice on a daily basis.  HERE is part of the work I came to do in this lifetime.  HERE is the growth I planned before I got here.  HERE is where it scares the crap out of me!  I can admit that now.  Having the tendency to not budge from my goals and the picture of how I think the outcome should look I have limited myself to the point of being stagnant in some areas of my life.  Well if something doesn't work for you, try something new right?  This is the X on the map I am standing on right now. 

I fully plan on taking out my little GPS and setting a new course.  It is high time, to release resistance in all forms, trusting that the only way out is through. 

For today though, my only goal is to observe where I resist the flow of life, to get out my GPS, dust it off, charge it up and turn it on.  Dialing in my new address:  Acceptance St. and I have chosen which route I will take.....and it is called The Path of Least Resistance.

Maybe this will help someone else discover where resisting has become an adversary instead of a traveling friend.  You are welcome to hop in the passenger seat, buckle up and come along for the ride.  There is adventure and exploration on the horizon.  I welcome the company, and someone to help read the map.

Sometimes we just have to RE-Learn how to Breathe

There will be times when storms rage around us, blowing like a Gale wind and washing rogue waves across the bows of our serenity.  When the winds burst forth it is natural to hold our breath, waiting until things calm in order to draw that breath again and receive life giving oxygen.  It is natural to brace ourselves against the coming storm as it attempts to sweep us from the safe decking of our living ship.  But it is not natural to stop breathing.  There will be times when we have to remind ourselves to breathe.  In the chaotic times, it is paramount to re-learn to breathe, possibly in a whole new way than we learned from birth.

What gives us breath?  Well, life and creation begins with the breath.  But look deeper than the obvious.  Under that which hides from our awareness and happens without conscious thought MOST of the time, we must find our own wind and what breathes into our lungs the sustaining winds of our motivation.  For me my breath comes in peaceful moments, inspiration and complete unconditional love.  My breathing is effortless and flawless in giving kindness, love and compassion.  Chaos is not my inherent gift, nor do I think it is for anyone.  But breathing.....is.  It is our gift of creation and life, and yet, we choose to hold it and deny it without giving it any thought.  No one does it to us, we deny ourselves.  Yes other can impress chaos into our awareness, but they cannot take our breath and peace unless we give them permission.

Things to ponder can be "what takes my breath away?"  I don't mean a strong wind, or having the physical wind knocked out of us, what I mean is what situations and circumstances take our breath away?  Is it the loss of a loved one?  Losing our security and safety?  A job?  A sudden shocking situation?  It will be different for everyone and it is personal.  In allowing those things to steal our breath, we give power away to people and situations who have no right to own it and control it for us.  At some point without thinking about it, we give ourselves permission to hold back the pure freedom of breathing.  Sometimes we just need to Re-learn how to breathe with purpose.

To do that we can think about what gives us life, inspiration and joy and then lovingly give ourselves those ultimate gifts.  No one can do it for us.  We have to take responsibility for self sustaining our own life breath.  It is symbolic Dear friends, and yet it is very physically real at the same time.  It is food for thought and something to ponder when life gets difficult and we hold our breath.  Take a deep breath and let your body express just how amazing that feels.  take time to give it time to thank you for that beautiful treasure.   Allow yourself the blessing to breathe in deeply then blow it out.  Sometimes, with the bursting forth of that which we have held for so long, it releases and bursts forth from us with scream...of joy, anguish, relief, sadness or anger.  But after the lungs and soul are emptied completely, the in breath is magical and uplifting. 

Find your breath and treasure it, whatever that means for you.  Give yourself the gift. You matter, you are enough and you are worth it.

A Little Wisdom from the Trees

As I sat outside with the gentle spring wind blowing, my attention gradually drifted to the trees.  Mesmerized, I watched them sway gently, arms dancing to the breath of Mother Nature.  Wind gusts blew harder here and there, causing the trees to readjust their sails and sway in response to the wind.  Nature is truly majestic,  Breath-taking and life giving.  And the trees, oh those beautiful trees speak to my soul of ancient wisdom stored through the ages for any who will watch and listen.

Dear Child, listen closely to the secrets that we share.  We offer them freely and lovingly to all who may search.  We are strong and yet we must remain flexible.  There are times that we dance in the sunlight, rain and the wind.  Never missing a beat of Mother Earth's pulse.  At times we stand tall and unmoving.  Other times we gently bend and sway as the winds of change begin to blow.  Then there are times, when the winds howl and the storm rages pummeling us and causing great waves of tension within us.  These My dear, are the times when we must rely on our roots for strength and support.  Our brethren are helpless to reach out and support us when windmaker pushes us to our limits.  We must believe in what we know and that all is as it should be and will support us.  We may bow down for a time, only to bounce back to our stately height.  We are able to do this because we are supported and we know of our gentle strength and believe in it. WE know no other way.  Ahhh yes dear One, we hear your thoughts.  Yes there are times when we are subjected to a force so strong, that we snap and fall with a mighty crash to the ground that awaits below.  Even then in snapping and breaking, when we have fallen and sighed our seemingly last breath, after a time, we send forth new seeds of growth, only to return again renewed.  This you are also capable of.  Yes little seedling, you can send forth the seeds of growth no matter your position on the ground that holds you or quakes under you.  Remember, that the pine cone gives thanks to the forest fire as it bursts open and reseeds itself.

So too can we bend and sway, renew and send forth seeds after the ravaging storm.  So too can we sprout and grow into a beautiful new tree, to dance in the breeze again.

My thoughts as my son prepares to travel across the world

March 25, 2014

David  my amazing son,

Tomorrow you take your first huge trip half way across our world and I want you to know I am so very excited for you.  This is going to be an experience like no other for you and I really just want to tell you how very happy and excited I am for you, and also thoughts that have been rolling through my mind today.  Things I just want you to know and carry with you.

I want you to know just how deeply I support you and your dreams.  How incredibly amazing you are.  You are so very responsible for young man your age, more responsible than most adults I know.  You are insanely funny, so very bright and intelligent, (even though you question that you are), caring, giving and a ridiculously hard worker.  Your dedication to your responsibilities and to your dreams (not to mention your family) is inspiring and beautiful.

 

I want you to know that even though this particular dream does scare me a little as your Mom, and even though it is a difficult experience watching my son face opponents that could, let’s be honest; beat you pretty intensely, there Is no way in hell I will not be there for all I can… cheering you on, supporting you and witnessing your climb with pride and love.  I could no more stay home and not be there than stop my own breathing.  

Today so many things flashed through my mind, nearly 20 years of memories as I just sat and watched you asleep on the couch.  Here is the mushy, maybe embarrassing Mom part but I will share it with you anyway, not because you need or want to hear it but because I need to say it.  When you lay sleeping on the couch, curled up peacefully, Instead of seeing the 6’ grown man who graduated high school, works and is about to venture off into the world.  What I saw instead, is the 6lb13 oz little miracle that danced into my life and changed my whole world with your first breath.  I saw the 3 year old huge blue eyes boy curled up next to me on the couch cuddling with me, “snuggling” my hair.  I remembered your innocent smile and laughter, filling our home and my heart so full that I thought it would explode.  I remember the little man who welcomed his sister and brothers with open arms, never once asking me to give them back, and instead loved them and helped take care of them.  I saw the young boy, tormented for years by bullies who not only hurt you but your heart and soul.  Wrapped up in the man before me I saw your strength and determination to not only not hurt anyone, but also stand strong and defend yourself and your siblings with fire and pride beyond your years.  I Heard all the times you said I love you Mommie, the times you got angry with me and life in general.  I saw the young man that proudly fought for his original dream to play lacrosse and had that dream dashed to pieces with a broken heart, only to take a deep breath and dream again. 

I want you to know, now and for the rest of your life that you are perfect the way you are.  That you are ENOUGH.  Whatever enough can mean.  That I am not in any way trying to or have ever tried to hold you back or be over protective….just that I love you so deeply that I have done my best to guide you and protect you in the ways that I CAN.  Sadly I haven’t always done the best at it my son but I have tried my hardest with the very best that I knew at the time.  No matter how old you get, moms will forever worry about their kids.  That is just the way of it and even when it gets frustrating and you think I am being too cautious, I hope you can understand that I was gifted with the blessing of being your mom and that will never change no matter how old and independent you get.

Others will not get it or understand your choices.  Too bad for them, they don’t have to.  Your self worth is not tied to anything anyone will ever think of you and it never was.  Don’t ever seek to prove anything to anyone but yourself.  Let that be enough. 

When you come back from this wonderful journey you will be changed in a beautiful way.  I have no doubt that the man I see walk off the airplane will somehow look years older to me, stronger, wiser and more beautiful.  You will come back with life experience, strength, determination and fire, and ready to take on the world.  And when you do take on the world?  I will remain your biggest fan and supporter.  It does not matter to me whether you win or lose your fights.  To me you have already won them all.  

I want you to know, that I could not be more proud of you than I am and that I will miss you so deeply, even as excited as I am for you.  I will miss your laughter and whacky sense of humor while you are gone.  I will miss everything about you.  And I hope you will be patient with me when you walk off the plane that brings you back home and all I want to do is hug you and welcome you back home.  I know it sounds silly, but yup I am going to cry when you leave.  But it isn’t because I don’t want you to go, it is only that my heart is so full of love and pride that it needs to spill out of me somehow so it doesn’t explode. 

Most of all I want you to have fun, enjoy this because you have worked so hard to make it happen and because you deserve your dream, as much if not more than anyone I know.  And the biggest thing I want you to know and carry with you, is how very much I love you.  Every second of every day.  I cannot wait to see how brightly you shine.  Take the world by storm my son.  We are all better people because of the light you shine into our lives.

PS.  Call your mother and let her know you get their safely!   :D

Gratitude and Appreciation

Winter's icy fingers are once again tightening their grip on my little wooded home.  Standing outside while Charlotte burrowed in the snow, I could hear the trees cracking and groaning, trying to be flexible through the chill of Windmaker's icy breath.  I swear I could hear nature shiver and moan.  The cold and weather has been relentless.  Not so much the several feet of snow that was customary through many years of living here in Northern Vermont, but frigid and icy in the swath of winter it has brought us this year.  Driving snow storms sending their white flakes no longer the norm, ice, below normal temperatures and high wind gusts are becoming more common. 

Still, back in the warmth of my little country home, I find I am feeling a considerable amount of gratitude for so many things.  Things that often get taken for granted or go unnoticed.  The sound of the furnace kicking on bringing warmer temps to my frozen fingers, seeing the satisfied look of contentment of my children who once again have full stomachs, the dogs happily playing in the livingroom while everyone goes about their different activities.  There truly is so much to be grateful for.  Sometimes, you have to look around and remind yourself to see it.  And yes sometimes we have to do a little digging to realize it when storms of chaos once again try to bury us under the waves of happenstance. 

I am thankful for the new friends I have met this year that have brought a kaleidoscope of color to my soul.

For the outpouring of love and appreciation of so many, even when in outward appearance I am the Lone Ranger and my horse is tired and foaming at the mouth from exhaustion, and yet surrounded by hearts willing to share, give and inspire me to keep trudging along.

The sounds of laughter daily of 4 beautiful angels who have chosen me to be their Mom, and quiet conversations where they share their thoughts, hopes, dreams and trials.

That there are still people out there who will stretch out their hands in help when there are times that life seems too heavy to carry just on my shoulders.

That the groaning trees out in my yard have held firm and not given into the wind's might breath and fallen on my home or cars.

Yes I am grateful even for the trials, the difficulty, the upset and tears for they have carved a deeper design in the wood of my soul.  I am stronger and more determined than I have ever been to keep moving forward and to never give up, even though it seems to me that even from a young age, that option was never on the table for me to sample.

I am grateful that even through losing so very many who are dear to me, who now grace the heaven's with their beauty, they still stop by and say hello once in awhile and just let me know that still, they stand near and can hear me.  I appreciate the gifts I have been blessed with and have had further awaken since My beautiful Momma crossed the angel bridge, and I know that she is still teaching me from beyond the veil in ways maybe she was not able to do while she was here.

I am grateful that my kids trust me enough to screw up and work to do better, all the while knowing that I am going to make more mistakes as we go along.  They love me anyway. 

I am grateful even for those who have taught me the harder lessons by the roles they have played in my life.  Without those lessons, I would not be the person I am today.

I am grateful that I know what hunger is so that I can appreciate being full.  That I know frigid cold so I can intensely appreciate and enjoy the beautiful warm sunshine on a clear summer day.  That the ocean is my one true serenity and I would not know that if I did not know the mountains intimately.  I can appreciate that life can be miraculous because I have known sorrow and the un-miraculous.

Yes Life is good.  I would not trade mine for anything in the whole world.  And in the end, someday, when I draw my last breath and cross the angel bridge, I will be grateful that I have lived my life with arms and heart wide open.  For now, I will keep finding my gratitude everyday.  In digging through the rubble, I have found some fascinating diamonds and pearls. 

yes, Life my friends, is good.  And grateful will always be enough.

Out with the old and in witht he New....Year. Writing from my soul

OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW

 

In reflecting on 2013, there have been so many things that have happened within the moments of this year.  Some good, some AMAZING, some very difficult and some near crippling.  Through them all, I stand braced against the winds of change.  There have been times I have held my face with eyes closed to the wind, relishing the feel of the winds of change on my skin.  There have been others where the wind was almost too much to brace myself against and as the sands of time pelted my skin, I flinched for moments at a time with held breath, praying for it to just slow down.  Within each of these scenarios, even when knocked to my knees, I rose up and stood again.

 

There have been many moments in the past year where those first few moments after the onslaught, I stood shaking and had to catch my breath.  I will be honest, the past couple of years have been incredibly difficult.  Through home disasters, mold and extreme sickness, near poverty and a sad heart, children in crisis, battles fought and lost, friends walking away, family squabbles and the resulting blackballing and near annihilation of 5 family members left wondering what the hell happened......I have endured and persevered.  And still, here I stand exhausted and exhilarated at the coming of a new year.

 

There have been equally as many BEAUTIFUL amazing moments within these past 2 years that I am so thankful for.  I opened my own business, did some incredibly rewarding work with so many people I have been blessed with knowing and helped.  I have lost some treasured souls I worked with and have know, stepped into my gifts with a willing and open heart and strived to leave people in a much better place then when they walked in to see me.  I have met some of the most incredible people in person and on social media that have become part of my extended family.  I love each and every one of them!  I have once again taken on homeschooling with my Robert while willingly sacrificing my days of being able to work and make money to support us.  I moved us from a house that was well, quite a nightmare to a new home this year and through it all found my voice and my passion for working with spirit and the healing modalities.  I have given my whole soul to helping others with the lessons I have learned, so that they too can find their power and peace.  I have reconnected with some life long friends and felt such love and acceptance that hordes of ogres with baseball bats could not have beaten the joy out of me,

 

I have laughed until I cried and cried until I either near collapsed or laughed.  I have been gifted in ways by friends with huge hearts and love and support they give so unconditionally and freely. 

 

2013 what a roller coaster ride you have been.  Through it all I finally released my story so I can write a brand new one.  I will remember you in every cell of my body and as the last hours of this year fade on the clock, in one hand I wave the white flag and in the other I wave the multi-colored brush I will use to paint my new landscape.  Farewell to the old year and welcome to the new. 

 

This year I will love more, help more, inspire more, and worry less.  I will  stand strong in my integrity for what I do and stretch myself to be a better mother, friend, family member, and person.

 

To all of you who have touched my soul within the ticking of 2013's clock, I thank you and I love you dearly.  To those who have turned away, I send you off with love and say to you, I wish you love and happiness.

 

Yes, out with the old and in with the new.....and still....I stand.

Nature speaks to the open heart

Northern Vermont living this summer has been quite the ride, with torrential rain, lightening storms and humidity that leaves you gasping to pull a breath into your lungs.  But today, ahhhh today, is the perfect Vermont day.  Upon waking this morning for the first time in a long time, my first thought was that it was actually cold in my house.  This even preceded my usual first thought that comes before the feet hit the floor coming out of bed:  Coffee.

There was a coolness to the air this morning that surprisingly did not inundate my lungs with heavy moisture.  The crystal blue sky seems to go on endlessly like the crystalline expanse of the ocean, dotted with lazily floating clouds which morph into a myriad dance of shapes to ponder.  Hours could be spent lazily watching the sky on summer days like this, without a thought to the clock or anything of the mundane physical world.  As I sit here reveling in the beauty of natures perfection, there is a light breeze kissing my face and caressing my wind chimes into a gentle melody of peacefulness.

Nature is such a rejuvenating presence when we find, no, make the time to embrace her.  Life moves swiftly, yet nature never rushes.  It dances along in its own time and cadence.  As I sit and absorb all its beautiful gifts, my mind wanders to younger days when there was nothing I had to worry about or get done; when all was taken care of for me so that I could just Be.  Memories flit across my mind of lazy days at  Clough State Park, endless hours at Wallis Sands State Beach with my family.  Now THOSE, were the happy days of my youth when all was right in the world.  I am a happy carefree spirit once again as I sit in my nature cathedral, humming John Denver's Sunshine on My Shoulders.  Life my friends, is good.  There is no more to say than that.  Life is good.

Ahhh it feels like a day for writing, and my mind seems to be unwilling to commit to anything else.  So I will give it free reign and see what path it desires to take today.  Good Morning :)  I awoke this morning to cloudy skies and 50 degrees,  Mother Nature seems to be abit confused lately but I know that She knows what she is doing even if I cannot fathom her reasoning, so I will sit with my little heater under my desk while I write to keep my bare toes toasty.

We have moved and are in our new home.  3 weeks ago began the chaos of relocating and new beginnings.  As is often the case in my life, it came screaming along with hardly a stop for breathing.  The day we moved my cousin who had just got his license and a car and moved up here less than a week previously, was in a car accident.  Thank GOD he is ok.  At around 11 am he was heading back from the new house after delivering a load from the old when his rear tire blew just after he turned onto our hold road.  Luckily he was going quite slow having just turned, when he lost control and went into the ditch only feet from my house.  An apple tree came right through the front window and he escaped with only some cuts and bruises.  Looking at the car there was absolutely an angel protecting this one I love so much.  I am profoundly thankful.  One hour later we picked up the moving truck and began the arduous task of transferring our home.  No easy task when it was largely myself, Ian and my kids.  No matter, we did it. 
Around the same time I quit my job at the spa since my hours had been cut and the income didn't even pay my gas money to get there.  On top of that it was a terrible place to work and caused me great stress.  Chaos rolls down hill and with these changes brought to the forefront some financial issues I quite obviously need to look at within me.  The saying "If you want what you have always had, then do what you have always done"  is my jumping point.  Time to acknowledge my past financial beliefs and doings and make some changes.  it is high time and ripe for the growing of new avenues.  Funny how going a week without food filling the cupboard and fridge to keep everyone satisfied can bring up some areas needing healing. 

Now I sit in my happy little office, which for now is still and absent of the beautiful spirits I am fortunate enough to work with on their healing.  Networking, planning and advertising is the order of this week.  I must admit, I have lately had to look at the avenue I am on and question if I should continue with my office.  As many questions and doubts as I might have rolling around in my head, I still believe that changing directions would be like taking a wrong turn.  I am doing what I love, regardless of the frequency of the footsteps gracing my space and blessing me with the opportunity to serve and help others.  I refuse to believe that I have been thrust onto this particular journey to
walk away.  So from this day forward I jump on my sailing ship, raise the sails high and commit to seeing where the wind leads me as I adjust the sails to grab the momentum.  I need to remember always that I am here to be a lighthouse; and I cannot consciously turn off that light and close down that which I have been given as a gift to help others navigate the waters safely and clearly.  Maybe this lighthouse simply needs a new Fresnal lense and some brighter bulbs.  Construction is under way.

So today that is my journey and my thought meanderings and it feels ridiculously empowering to pt the words in writing.  I know that largely I write this to myself, but in doing that it is a reminder for me of why I do what I am blessed to do.  Absolutely to help and inspire others, but realizing that few will read it, more so to grab the wind and blow life into my own sails.  Blessings and love are sent to those who's eyes grace this page.  Remember Dear Ones.  YOU are enough, and there are people out there who genuinely care.  You are never alone.  <3

There is Irony on the journey

Just when you feel everything is aligned and you are well on your way to everything you work towards, the Universe at times conspires to remind you where you haven't quite cleared the dirt in the walkway.  Bam the monsoon hits and washes all kinds of old energies into the path and very rapidly you can find the mud terribly hard to swim through.  However, there are gifts in every single step.

Perspective is everything and if truly life is about the journey and not the destination, then we must revel in every step.  Not just the easy ones, but the knee deep in the muck-hard as hell ones.  It is our inherent nature to question where we are at and how we got there, but paramount to not get stuck in that process.  How do we avoid that pitfall?  I am still learning :)  One thing I do know that helps is stepping into a neutral place of detached loving observation of what seems to be shredding the fabric of daily life.  How did I end up back in the drink?  Wasn't I doing everything that I was guided to and holding the right positive thoughts?  Have I been grateful enough and helping as many as I could in service to others?  Step to either side of neutral and different things happen almost instantly.  When observing and questioning to the left side of neutral, there is sadness and despair.  To the right resides anger and frustration.  Stepping back in neutral and there resides answers that are non judgmental or mired in emotion.  This, is coming back to Center.  From there the unattached-to-outcome self can see yes or no I have done all those things without judging the self for that answers and see the way to clearly realigning ourselves with who we are and all we can be.  Here only can we observe and and make changes, and more importantly let go of our old story and ways of doing.  We can realize that yes we have done amazing work, but that doesn't mean the job is over.  Here we can put on a new pair of shoes that might fit the muddy path a little better and hold a better grip on the slippery path.  Guess what?  After we are though that we get to pick out a new form of footwear.

yesterday I had my first sound balancing session ( and did one as well).  Fantastic and so insightful.  What I learned was that some of the past experiences I have grown through and mountains I had climbed still left some residue for me to wash away.  Yes I have done the deep digging for certain!  I just left a couple of boxes to open and reorganize.  Phew!  One thing I realized is that I have not been completely in acceptance of help.  Yes I can and do in certain circumstances but not in all ways.  I still carried with me that I can and have to do it all filter, to the degree that reaching out for help in non material ways can still be very difficult for me.  Another thing I found is that I still carry is alot of anger, guilt and shame.  These are some particularly ugly filters that are a little harder to make clear or remove, but I know that I absolutely can and will.  Younger years filled with bullying and insults slung by uncaring hearts welled up and stayed hidden in my energy self, wreaking havoc from behind a mirror I didn't care to look into.  The best part here?  With awareness, inspection and some work, anything can be transformed and made pretty again.  Maybe not right off the shelf-pristine, but uniquely lovely.  A little spit shine is what completes the job begun so long ago. 

Today begins a new journey of discovery and some polishing.  Today I remember that often we need to polish the old silver to make it shine again.  Today I step into some new shoes and some beautiful new wandering through the present moment, letting the old wash away, leaving in its wake, a little more sparkle.  From my perspective, a beautiful gift has been given and accepted.  To stuff it back in the closet would be a shame, so I will place myself in front of the mirror instead of my back turned towards it.  Really, it is a great view.

In all appearances, it seems life has decided to kick my arse and turn everything upside down.  One month ago I was on top of the world.  My business was hopping and growing to the point that I was having to do a lot of juggling just to fit in all the people that were calling.  I had received an offer to rent a house and decided to take it, eliminating the nightmare of this home I have been struggling to keep from falling apart and had endured the court date regarding this place.  I was in a place of positivity, inspiration and passion for life and loving the journey moment by moment. 

At that point things started to spiral.  I had a client and friend begin harassing me and causing a great deal of stress for me and my family, which we got through and I dealt with.  I had successfully navigated a new full heating system for my car and a rental, financially and mentally.  Then it all began snowballing faster than an avalanche racing down a mountain.  Honestly there has been so much i cannot even recall all the little disasters between then and now.  Ahhh, yes, work, that was one.  What began as a peaceful job all of a sudden turned to a hellish nightmare of condescension, rudeness and misery, all wrapped up in the bosses I work for, who tend to treat people worse than cattle who are up for slaughter.  THEN came the car.  Again.  This time 4 tires needing replacing pronto largely thanks to the horrid roads.  Wait....it doesn't end there.  Driving my son to school a week ago a horrid snap happened under my car.  Off to hell work I went after dropping off another son.  When leaving I knew I was in trouble.  Right turns elicited a loud cracking and I made it all the way back across 3 towns without crashing Thank God.  The spring is mangled and nearly off the car, the struts are gone as well as strut boots and mounts and a 100 other things and bazinga, super mobile mom has just been stranded.  That was a week ago.  Since then I have cried, waited for parts (that I am still waiting for) exhausted every ounce of finances as well as those that I haven't even made yet.  I have aggravated work since I had to be off schedule this week and am about to lose some utilities that are extremely necessary.  Oh yes, and lost income because I have been unable to work.  Thrown into the mix is my children who have been sicker this year than all of their years combined thanks to the mold we thought had been eradicated from our basement resulting in a lot of lost school time, doctors appointments and letters from truant officers about that.  My daughter nearly had 2 collapsed lungs thanks to the terrible ER doctor we saw.

So in the interim, I have continued to help those who come to me, keep going and remain positive.  Until this morning.  The car parts which are the most crucial will not be here for another 4 days still and I will not have my car until next Tuesday.  I had to reserve a rental car I cannot in any remote way begin to pay for.  To add to the fun I will not receive a paycheck next week. 

Anyway :)  Onto the digging and lessons.  I wish I could say I have figured them out but I haven't  I know there is a beautiful lesson of growth within this fiasco but I have yet to excavate it, with the exception of getting to stop running 200+ miles a day.  I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I did through my whole divorce. 

The lesson?  Never ever give up.  Stay positive, believe in miracles and keep trying.  Any more than that I am still seeking the answers to.  Should I have NOT agreed to the rental house?  Given up the business to work more hours at a thankless job where I am treated like a felon?  Should I have not put any money into the car that is failing?   Is it a harsh reminder that I have NO ONE to say, It will be ok I promise....or you have helped so many people let me help you now?  Is it a reminder that My Mom died 14 years ago and my father wrote me and my children off 6 years ago and I have no full time friends I can lean on?   Who knows right now, but I intend to grow through this nightmare.  All I know is I will not only survive.  I WILL thrive.  I always do.  Looking back at this blog I think it would make a hell of a drama series.  The only difference is that I do not intend to allow the drama to continue for ratings and excessive viewing.  My life isn't for sissies.  many would be on medicine after just one month in my life.  I however, will NOT.  Today I will find a way to be an inspiration and the lighthouse I often speak of.  Because within the darkness, a single match can light a room.

sharing a peek into the book in the process...just a peek

Forward

I am not quite certain when or where the ride shifted leading me to this very moment of self- exploration.  All I do know is that it did, and the road to now has been an incredible and at many times, scary journey.  There were noticeable signposts along the way that were immediately recognizable:  my mother and best friend losing her life to Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), my marriage falling apart, a child in crisis, and my home going into foreclosure.  These were the landslides that burned themselves into my consciousness.  And yet, these were not the catalysts to my self discovery.  They were the byproduct of change.  They were the jump in with both feet blindfolded opportunities to growth.  The true catalysts were much more subtle and less recognizable from the vantage point of my limited view, until I began the incredible process of understanding.

Looking back from where I am now, the fog is beginning to life, no longer clouding my view behind a murky haze of awareness.  The veil parts, the curtain opens and the view opens up before me miraculously.  Why now?  Because I am ready for it.  From here I can tell you the view of the horizon is breath-taking. 

Digging Deep is about the journey of self-discovery.  Somewhere in the process we must dig down, exposing the roots that hold us firmly where we are in order to move to another place.  Maybe, just maybe, the place where we are meant to be.  I strongly believe that in order to really understand and heal, we have to take everything back to the root of its growth, back to the moment of its seeding.  Everything happens for a reason.  There are no coincidences.  I believe that with my whole soul.  Many are learning now that even physical ailments and disease have underlying causes and lessons within them.  We can use lotions, potions and pills to alleviate the discomfort and symptoms, but these things do not cure the malady.  They are merely band- aids that make it all manageable.  For a while.  Eventually the Band-Aid falls off, leaving us right back where we started.  We can either replace the Band-Aids or we can heal the wound or the sickness.

If we truly want to heal and grow, we need to put on our archeologist hat and begin to dig in the dirt.  Do you remember digging in the dirt when you were a child?  For me, it was a time of exploration and fun.  The messier the better!  When I played in the dirt, or better yet, the mud, it was exhilarating.  My thoughts wandered to what I would find, how would it feel, and I didn’t care one bit how messy I got doing it!  Where did that childhood excitement for exploration go?  It got buried in the avalanche of life situations and growing up.  Did you ever dig around the exposed roots of a tree or move the dirt with your hands exploring just where they went?  I could sit forever under a tree doing just that.  Little did I know someday I would embark on a similar mission of a more spiritual nature.  Trees and their roots have so much they can teach us if we can only begin to move the dirt from around them, exposing their lessons that lie below the surface of what we perceive as solid ground.

I can’t promise you that it will always be easy or that you won’t bang up your knuckles, here and there.  What I can promise you from personal experience is that it will be worth it.  It will open your eyes to miracles that were previously hidden from view.  I hope you will find something to inspire you within these pages.  Come sit with me under the tree for a while.  Bring your child-like curiosity and some digging tools.  Every journal begins with a single step and every treasure needs to be unearthed and dusted off in order to see its beauty and worth.  Welcome my friends, to discovery.