This morning my thoughts wander to past present and future. My firstborn son turns 18 tomorrow and although I knew it would be an emotional milestone in his and my life, still the depth of it sends ripples through me stronger than my wildest imaginings. And I have a good imagination, and yet even that could not touch the strength of the emotions that wash over me.
18 years ago (tomorrow at 3:01 am...I still have a few hours of this phase of mom!), a beautiful angel entered my life. As he was making his entry I saw him coming, felt it with every ounce of my soul. That moment, at that time, was the single most amazing blessing I ever knew. He was so beautiful and as I held his little body I was filled with emotions I had never known before. If I at that point in my life, been able to hear the Heavenly choirs that sang for his birth, I know it would have been the most beautiful sound ever heard. I am sitting here struggling to even put words to the feelings that wash over me like a giant wave crashing to the shore....unconditional love and pride just to name a couple.
From Tender moments alone together in that first night, staring and memorizing every feature, every touch, every nook and cranny of his little body, my life was irreversibly changed in the most beautiful way. Little man grew quickly and I have treasured every second of the past 17.99 years. How amazing the beauty of a child! As he grew older, by 3 years old I wondered at times who was the parent and who the child. He seemed to always be wise and beyond his little years. When we snuggled together on the couch it wasn't just I who pulled him close and wrapped him in my arms, but also he who would place his arm under me and rub my hair and kiss my face. This little angel touched a place in me I never knew was possible. Gentleness, wonder, innocence, love and his Mama were his world. I cannot imagine a more beautiful place to be, and I was blessed with that 4 times.
As he grew, we grew closer. He was the apple of our eye and his grandmother was his greatest fan and love. My boy thrived and grew...and grew and grew. I watched as he said his first words, took his first steps, explored his new world with wonder and love in my heart. Off to school he went as I cried at his growing so fast and I watched in amazement at his little life unfolding rapidly. Then came the day when the painful began...for him and for me. Bullying began at the tender age of 5 and continued for years at school. I ached for his sadness and fought to make things better...make things right and to do all I could to protect his tender, heart. Through it all he stayed strong and determined. Fast forward to 5th grade and my beautiful child was begging me to homeschool him
and I yanked him from public school. You know when your child is struggling, yet the realization hit me harder than a runaway freight train when I began to see with newly opened eyes the level of what he was feeling. I saw this in the way he began to laugh and smile again, to hold his head up and look people in the eye instead of averting his gaze from anyone and everyone who passed him by. I watched as he grew and flourished and when our family doctor told me if I had not acted in the way I did, pulling him from school. The chances were that he would have ended up a high school statistic....and I cried.
Now at nearly 18 (yes I cannot even say 18 just yet), I look at him and see the beautiful adult man he is becoming. Never a difficult child, never anything but a God given blessing. David my son you are amazing and beautiful. You have your whole life in front of you and it is a blank canvas to paint on and write your own story. My boy is at the present, working so hard towards the possibility of a full 4 year lacrosse scholarship at the University of North Carolina....his dream. He has gone from 1 of 18 to 1 of 5 and we await his last scout visit in the coming weeks and a decision on who will be chosen. He wants it so badly, and I want it so badly for him. No matter what you do, where you go Son, I want you to know how deeply proud of you I am and how deeply I love you. I also want you to know that these words do not even begin to explain these feelings since there really are no words accurate to describe them.
These things I want you to know...from my heart and soul to yours:
Always believe in yourself and your ability to do anything you dream of. Be gentle with yourself and love yourself first. Everything begins in that place, with you. Some will not understand, will not support your dreams. That is ok...let them. They and their thoughts have no bearing on the amazing person you are or the amazing things you will do in your life. Live it for YOU first. The rest will follow. No one can make you happy....you are the only one who can do that. Be understanding of others and their journey to live their lives the best way they know how. It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it. Life is a miraculous gift my son. Open yourself to the learning and endless possibilities. Never hold back telling people you love them, even when they do not seem to care or want to hear it. You are a blessing to this world you live in and will inspire others as you have inspired me every second of my life since you blessed it. Be strong but never be afraid to show your tender side. Give people second chances. Write your own story and never ever let anyone write it for you. Forgive people for the hurt they cause your heart; not because their actions are ok in anyway, but because in not forgiving, the only person who is held prisoner is you. When you think you have failed...try again...and again and again and again. Hold your head high and never ever look down. Remember family, even when it is hard to see or feel, is the glue that can hold you together when you feel you are falling apart. Know that I will always and in all ways, support you and love you enough even for those times when you find it hard to love yourself.
Today, as I wrote about recently, I shake up my snow globe of memories, watching each one swirl around me from the past 18 years. Tomorrow, this phase of being mommie, changes to a new phase of Mom. Tomorrow morning I begin a new snowglobe of memories, building it snowflake by snowflake and I look forward to it with love and excitement. It isn't gone, it is just switching gears. I believe in you, I always have. I love you my Son. With every breath and beat of my heart....I love you and will always be here when you need me.
